Wish List

My wish list:

I wish that I could look in the mirror & see what they see.

I wish I were not on constant trial, evaluation, or whatever other term I can think of to describe the self-scrutiny I put myself under in a daily basis.

I wish I could believe that people are not out to get me, or that I am one misstep away from blowing everything, whether in my personal life or my work.

I wish I could accept that my family will never be as united as I would like them to be.

I wish I were able to accept that people have no hidden agendas when talking to me, or that it’s not my job to be the answer to everyone’s problems.

I wish I were not bound by the constraints of the horrors of my early childhood years, which still give me nightmares and haunt me more & more as I go through therapy & new memories come to light.

I wish for my children to never have any ideas of what their father has battled, and still battles on a daily basis.  I know my wife does, and I have such great sorrow that I’ve brought such things into our lives.

I wish I had... peace.  True inner peace & a feeling of belonging.

Mostly, I wish... I wish I weren’t me.  Or at least, this version of me.

Blunt & brutal honesty.  I can’t walk around with this anymore, it hurts too much.