You ever get the feeling that you have tons of things to
say, yet when the moment comes you have no idea what to say?
Welcome to my life.
At this exact moment in time, I’m sitting in an office,
taking a break from a job I fought hard to get for almost 10 years. Mind you, I love what I do; I don’t even know
what else I’d rather be doing than working this job. As one of those rare types who actually shows
up to work happy to be there, I can tell you… life is pretty awesome.
But… (isn’t there always a “but”?)
But…
I’ve discovered something about myself. I’ve always said that I’m not the type to
look back and second-guess the decisions I’ve made in my life. Nor am I prone to regret the missteps I’ve
taken, because as a person I’ve found it’s with these missteps that I learn
where the ground of my life is solid… and where it’s not. I don’t live for yesterday, I don’t worry
about what could’ve been… and I don’t dwell over the decisions I’ve made that
turned out to be not-so-spectacular. The
eyes are always ahead, always on the future.
But…
Recently something in me has changed. My course has hit some unexpected curves, and
frankly, I’ve been unprepared for the affect it’s had on me. Let me be clear, these are not any negative
happenings. Nothing is going wrong. Quite the opposite, everything is going
spectacularly. I’ve got my life exactly
where I want it, and I can honestly say that none of it was handed to me, or
gift-wrapped for me. I’ve had help, of
course, and the people in my life who’ve helped me know how much I appreciate
it.
To put it out there… I’ve begun to wonder if I’m where I’m
supposed to be.
This new experience… being on stage in a musical, surrounded
by people who are just incredible… was this where I was supposed to be all
along? Years ago I made a decision to
veer away from doing any kind of performing on a professional level, because in
my mind the thought of taking something I’m passionate about & turning it
into work was a recipe for disaster. How
can you truly enjoy something that completely dictates your life to the degree
a career does? Besides, I’m not that
good… who would pump out their hard-earned money to come see me perform, or
listen to me sing, or tune in to me on the radio (another dream of mine that
will be achieved, by the way)? I’ve
always maintained that I have a great group of friends, people who are loyal to
me, who would have my back if I ever needed them without question… and who
understand so little about me, it’s like I’m a stranger in my own life. Indeed, I think I have the same kind of vibe
with the folks I work with… I get along with 99% of them, and they’re
definitely awesome to be around… but I sometimes think that I’m viewed as a bit
of a curiosity, perhaps as someone who is not exactly normal (whatever that
is). If that’s the case, it’s fine… I
know I’m a little eccentric, my interests aren’t those of most people’s chosen
radar screen. I’m a Trekkie… who’s into
choral singing & musicals… who enjoys pro wrestling… and laughs at weird
things… and is outgoing with mostly everyone in my circles… while jealously
guarding my privacy. I’m quirky. Whatever, it’s who I am, and I’m usually so
amused with myself that I don’t focus on the thoughts of others. But I do pay attention. Then again, I’ve a horrible radar sometimes
when it comes to reading people, so this may be just how I view myself. I’m unsure… and muddled…
… where was I?
Oh yeah, back to life… I don’t want to be known as someone
who focuses on things I have no control over… and the past would certainly fall
into that category. However, the future
is completely in my hands… and for the first time in perhaps my whole life, I’m
facing choices while being fully equipped to handle the consequences. Maybe that’s what’s got me so befuddled; I’m
not afraid of making the wrong choice, because I know I’ll be successful on
whatever path I walk. It’s that I don’t
have the fear of failure hanging over my head.
It’s a new experience… I’m not used to this at all.
Then why, you may ask, am I complaining?
Well, I’m not. I have
absolutely nothing to complain about. I’m
really just trying to put into printed word the thoughts that I’m usually
unable to verbalize. In that respect,
this entire blog is probably one gigantic, disturbing unorganized mess… I’ve
literally done away with any type of structure and just thrown my thoughts into
cyberspace, hoping that one day I can look back at them with a feeling of
amusement.
It’s a slow night at the office. My brain, however, is outrunning the hours.
8 more days to Les Miserables. And, like Jean Valjean says, Who am I?
When I have that answer, I’ll try to put it into a
song. It worked for Cameron Macintosh.
… look him up if you don’t know who he is.
-MC
10-24-13
