Back to the blogging, I guess. I really do this far too infrequently… sometimes it’s hard for me to sit down & stay in one place long enough to gather my thoughts. This is really why I think I should invest in a tape recorder, since it has occurred to me that most of my deep thinking is done during my time in the car. The commute to & from work gives me ample time to dissect my life & where it’s heading, and also to review where I’ve been and just how I got there to begin with. Believe me, I’m never short of thought; it’s expression I’m sometimes lacking.
Anyway, with the end of 2012 rapidly approaching, I thought it might be a good time to take stock of what’s happened over the past 12 months. Most of the time I find that my life has the steadiness of your average roller coaster, with the peaks & valleys theme at the forefront of the visual interpretation. This year, however, I’m really at a loss to think of many downhill moments (the notable exceptions being the death of one of my favorite aunts & the Patriots once again getting smacked by the Giants in the Super Bowl). So, for my indulgence more than anyone else’s, let’s review some of the key events of the Cuddy-Verse, circa 2012:
For starters, I went on national television for 20 minutes, spun a wheel, made a few bucks & cracked jokes with Pat Sajak. Somewhere in the next life, my grandmother was smiling the whole time… and I believe she still is.
On the musical front, the choir I’m a part of has really begun to carve out its own identity on the local scene. It seems that we’re always busy preparing for some performance, benefit, party, or night of fun :-)
Employment-wise, there is nowhere I’d rather be. My job is awesome, my co-workers (almost without exception)are awesome, and I truly enjoy coming to work. Some people view such a statement as asinine, but I prefer to look at it as a testament to how lucky a person I truly am. As a bonus, I’ve become accustomed to working among the living again. For ten years prior, the overwhelming majority of contact I had with other humans was over the telephone, as I was always stationed at outlaying points on the railroad. Once I got my promotion, however, I began to work in an office, surrounded by the faces of those I only recognized previously by their voices. I’ll admit to being a bit unnerved at the prospect of working with other people after spending years effectively in isolation, but as time went on the shell seems to have crumbled. As I look back now, I am shocked as to how I lasted that long without the company of others!
I also believe this has had a direct effect on the other facets of my life as well, particularly when it comes to socialization with my musical friends. I think in the past, being alone so much really led me to view myself as a bit of an outcast. I would do the choir thing, and show up at events, yet I always seemed to shy away from any real conversation or socialization. After much thought on the matter (yes, and therapy too, which is something I wish everyone in the world would try), I began to realize that I no longer knew how to be a person. A lot of that came from lack of identity & not knowing who I was as a human being, granted… but the fact remains that, outside of a brief period of a true up-and-down marriage, there was very little depth to my socializations with anyone. I couldn’t relate to others because not only was I out of practice, I couldn’t even relate to myself.
So much of that has changed now. I have an identity, and I’m solid in my beliefs about my life & its direction... and it shows. Sure, I may be a little quirky, and perhaps my views are not always considered to be mainstream (whatever the hell that means, anyway…), but the difference now from the past is, they are indeed my views. There’s no longer an attempt by me to fit the mold of the others around me because I am confident enough in myself to know that my mold suits me just fine. In matters of relationships, I used to try to think of myself as a chameleon, with the intent of blending into the crowd to the point of not even knowing I was there. I cannot believe how misguided that belief was, and still is. How is one supposed to shine if they dim their own light?! Seriously, I’m not looking to stand out in the crowd, but I’m certainly not going to shy away from it. I am who I am, I believe what I believe, and I believe that it took way too long to figure out that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m proud to be unique :-)
One of the more significant events of the year happened very recently. Totally out of the blue, after feuding for nearly two years over hurt feelings & stubbornness, I found the peace I’ve always wanted with my ex-wife. She and I were really great friends… before we went & messed it up by getting married. When I look at it now, I can see so many errors on both of our ends… and so can she. It’s really laughable how things turned out between us, I think… she was the free-spirited young Pagan with the perpetual romantic view of the world; I was the hardened warrior forged by a past of turmoil & responsibility. Our paths intertwined, we learned a lot from each other, and years later, she’s now the Bible-thumping parent & wife in her mid-20’s trying to run a household with two children, taking on a lot of responsibility. I, on the other hand, have become the totally laid-back fun-loving Pagan with the travel-lust of Indiana Jones & a seemingly endless well of optimism, running around like I’m in my mid 20’s & trying to find the next big event so I can take the night off! In the end, after all the negativity washed away, we both realized that we each took the best from each other & added it to our own little mixture, thus bringing us one step closer to a completed portrait.
On the home front, my niece makes me smile more than any other person in my life right now. She’s smart, she’s adorable, and I really enjoy being the goofy uncle with her. I never understood why I’ve always felt comfortable around kids… my friend’s daughters, my roommate’s nephew, my ex-stepdaughter, they all seem to connect with me. I wonder if it’s because I really have no problem with being a kid around them. In fact, I have no problem with being a kid at all. Shit, I’ll go home after a lousy day and watch The Muppets to cheer me up! Some people think it’s weird, I’m sure… but they’re not me, so in the end it really doesn’t matter what they choose to think. I am who I am, and I don’t bother trying to change people’s opinions… in the Land of Cud, the one called Matt is king…
… it’s occurred to me that I totally lost track of this blog. I just started to spout a lot of thought-matter that bubbled up as my fingers were pressing the keys, so a lot of what I’ve written might not be in the proper structural order for this to be considered any type of meaningful blog. Then again, who is to decide that meaningful is, anyway? As always, these are simply written collections of my innermost thoughts & opinions, geared toward being for my own personal review, and generously shared with others so that they may understand a little bit more if they so choose. In all honesty, I think if you know me, it’s worth the effort to check it out… but if you don’t, that’s fine as well. I only request that, should you decide I’m too weird of a person to keep in the “friend” column, you would make such a choice after knowing me, rather than simply dismissing the liberal Earth-loving hippie Trekkie choir geek who loves Josie & The Pussycats.
… don’t roll your eyes at me, that movie had some funny moments :-)
Blessed be, my brothers & sisters…
-MC-
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Uncrossing the Wires
"A man can always agree with others; it is more difficult to agree with oneself." - Old Chinese Guy in one of the Gremlins movies
"I have as much authority as The Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." - George Carlin
One piece of advice I try to share with everyone: Never let anyone tell you who you are.
Sounds simple, right? Almost like something that should've been ingrained into your mind from the cradle? Well, you'd be absolutely amazed at how many people can't seem to grasp such a concept. That simple eight-word sentence written above has the power to determine the outcome of some of the biggest decisions you'll face throughout your lifetime, and so I choose to respect the power of those words and hold onto that ideal. Believe me, the alternative can lead to great disappointment.
I know because, for a long time, I didn't know who I was. I let others tell me, and it brought a lot of negativity into my life. Hell, I even got myself into a marriage that was doomed from the start; I was just too naive to see it at the time.
In any case, that was the past. And while I don't ever dismiss it, I don't dwell on it, either. I prefer to focus on the here & now, while still keeping an eye on the future.
So anyway...
It's amazing to me that I could've lived as long & as fast as I have these past 32 years and still be capable of finding so much amazement in the familiars of life. A perfect example of this is the weather lately. I've often said that Mother Nature is bipolar; she's sticking us with snowstorms and shitty wintery weather, and then the next day the temperatures hit 60 degrees and make me want to go fishing. Living in New England for my entire life, I am quite used to these strange patterns, yet I still feel a total sense of amazement, even child-like curiosity at how such things can be. In fact, if I take a step back from everything I've learned in my life, I find that such simple concepts like the workings of a television, the operating principles of a commuter train, even the idea of the creation of popcorn... these things all provide a sense of amazement and even impress me at some level.
The fact is, I feel truly blessed to be able to find joy & pleasure in simplicity. It makes every day a great adventure, and the ability to rediscover the joys of knowledgeable impression is a gift I cherish.
On the other hand...
My disposition can really be either a blessing or a curse, depending upon the situation. I tend to label it a 70/30 split in favor of the blessing idea, but the curse creeps in every now & then. See, I'm different; at least, different from most of the people I hang with. My ideals, religion, political beliefs... they all run counter to what a lot of my friends subscribe to. Personally, I love that about my friends; variety is the spice of life, and I think it makes for some fascinating conversation. Although I don't agree with most of what they say, I see the passion & belief they put behind their views, and I can't help but respect that... even if I happen to think some of it is misguided. I certainly don't think less of them for what they believe in.
However, I often get the sense that this kind of respect is not reciprocated. Disagreements are bound to happen among people with different beliefs; labels & judgments, on the other hand, are very unnecessary. It happens so frequently that I feel numb to them now, but I see the anger it brings out in others, and as much as I know I'm not the cause of it, it still bothers me. What is it that makes a person see any viewpoint other than their own as a direct insult? Despite all the evidence in the world to the contrary, do others still only see in the world in black and white? How can someone live a whole lifetime like this & truly find inner peace? These are attitudes that I've dealt with my whole life, and should not be a surprise to me. Why, then, do they still leave me with a sense of wonderment & curiosity?
Perhaps the real trick of this game is finding the balance between the two sides of the equation. These questions that only we can answer are what keeps the mind and the soul energized enough to keep feeding us on our quest for fulfillment.
Speaking of balance...
Right now, the biggest question on my mind is what to do about my living situation. I live in the most beautiful spot I have ever lived in during my brief occupancy on our world, right on a peaceful lake on a private street surrounded by the most serene gifts that Mother Nature can provide, inside a house that can be generously described as a neglected shithole. My landlord seems to have built this place out of Silly Putty & Lincoln Logs (am I dating myself with that reference?), and trying to get him to do any repairs is like waiting for a lemon tree to grow in the North Pole... it's useless. To be fair to the landlord, he's kind of disabled. Not to the point where he can't do repairs, but he's beat up so badly that something as simple as changing a cabinet door requires the use of two Vicodin and a day's rest. I feel for the guy, but the place seems to be deteriorating beyond his ability to keep up with it. This, coupled with my roommate's absolute desire not to stay beyond the lease, leaves me with this question:
Do I stay in this spot, where I have never been more at peace with my environment and the world around me, yet has the potential to dent my finances by having to handle all of the bills by myself, to live in a house that is not the nicest or most modern? Or, do I sacrifice serenity & nature for creature comforts and a balanced checkbook, knowing that it is the smarter decision for my financial & professional well-being?
Then again, perhaps there's a third option I have yet to discover. If there is, I'll find it. I almost always do :-)
Okay, enough gut-spilling for one day, I'm going to the flea market to buy other people's stuff. As always, if you're reading this, you must have at least a passing interest into my mind's inner workings. I hope you got what you wanted.
Plant a tree if you get a chance, by the way. We'd all be screwed without them :-)
-MC-
2-19-2012
"I have as much authority as The Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." - George Carlin
One piece of advice I try to share with everyone: Never let anyone tell you who you are.
Sounds simple, right? Almost like something that should've been ingrained into your mind from the cradle? Well, you'd be absolutely amazed at how many people can't seem to grasp such a concept. That simple eight-word sentence written above has the power to determine the outcome of some of the biggest decisions you'll face throughout your lifetime, and so I choose to respect the power of those words and hold onto that ideal. Believe me, the alternative can lead to great disappointment.
I know because, for a long time, I didn't know who I was. I let others tell me, and it brought a lot of negativity into my life. Hell, I even got myself into a marriage that was doomed from the start; I was just too naive to see it at the time.
In any case, that was the past. And while I don't ever dismiss it, I don't dwell on it, either. I prefer to focus on the here & now, while still keeping an eye on the future.
So anyway...
It's amazing to me that I could've lived as long & as fast as I have these past 32 years and still be capable of finding so much amazement in the familiars of life. A perfect example of this is the weather lately. I've often said that Mother Nature is bipolar; she's sticking us with snowstorms and shitty wintery weather, and then the next day the temperatures hit 60 degrees and make me want to go fishing. Living in New England for my entire life, I am quite used to these strange patterns, yet I still feel a total sense of amazement, even child-like curiosity at how such things can be. In fact, if I take a step back from everything I've learned in my life, I find that such simple concepts like the workings of a television, the operating principles of a commuter train, even the idea of the creation of popcorn... these things all provide a sense of amazement and even impress me at some level.
The fact is, I feel truly blessed to be able to find joy & pleasure in simplicity. It makes every day a great adventure, and the ability to rediscover the joys of knowledgeable impression is a gift I cherish.
On the other hand...
My disposition can really be either a blessing or a curse, depending upon the situation. I tend to label it a 70/30 split in favor of the blessing idea, but the curse creeps in every now & then. See, I'm different; at least, different from most of the people I hang with. My ideals, religion, political beliefs... they all run counter to what a lot of my friends subscribe to. Personally, I love that about my friends; variety is the spice of life, and I think it makes for some fascinating conversation. Although I don't agree with most of what they say, I see the passion & belief they put behind their views, and I can't help but respect that... even if I happen to think some of it is misguided. I certainly don't think less of them for what they believe in.
However, I often get the sense that this kind of respect is not reciprocated. Disagreements are bound to happen among people with different beliefs; labels & judgments, on the other hand, are very unnecessary. It happens so frequently that I feel numb to them now, but I see the anger it brings out in others, and as much as I know I'm not the cause of it, it still bothers me. What is it that makes a person see any viewpoint other than their own as a direct insult? Despite all the evidence in the world to the contrary, do others still only see in the world in black and white? How can someone live a whole lifetime like this & truly find inner peace? These are attitudes that I've dealt with my whole life, and should not be a surprise to me. Why, then, do they still leave me with a sense of wonderment & curiosity?
Perhaps the real trick of this game is finding the balance between the two sides of the equation. These questions that only we can answer are what keeps the mind and the soul energized enough to keep feeding us on our quest for fulfillment.
Speaking of balance...
Right now, the biggest question on my mind is what to do about my living situation. I live in the most beautiful spot I have ever lived in during my brief occupancy on our world, right on a peaceful lake on a private street surrounded by the most serene gifts that Mother Nature can provide, inside a house that can be generously described as a neglected shithole. My landlord seems to have built this place out of Silly Putty & Lincoln Logs (am I dating myself with that reference?), and trying to get him to do any repairs is like waiting for a lemon tree to grow in the North Pole... it's useless. To be fair to the landlord, he's kind of disabled. Not to the point where he can't do repairs, but he's beat up so badly that something as simple as changing a cabinet door requires the use of two Vicodin and a day's rest. I feel for the guy, but the place seems to be deteriorating beyond his ability to keep up with it. This, coupled with my roommate's absolute desire not to stay beyond the lease, leaves me with this question:
Do I stay in this spot, where I have never been more at peace with my environment and the world around me, yet has the potential to dent my finances by having to handle all of the bills by myself, to live in a house that is not the nicest or most modern? Or, do I sacrifice serenity & nature for creature comforts and a balanced checkbook, knowing that it is the smarter decision for my financial & professional well-being?
Then again, perhaps there's a third option I have yet to discover. If there is, I'll find it. I almost always do :-)
Okay, enough gut-spilling for one day, I'm going to the flea market to buy other people's stuff. As always, if you're reading this, you must have at least a passing interest into my mind's inner workings. I hope you got what you wanted.
Plant a tree if you get a chance, by the way. We'd all be screwed without them :-)
-MC-
2-19-2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)