Sometimes, all it takes is one moment of clarity to hit you in the face... and everything starts to come together.
I had heard the word "tween" used here & there, generally when speaking about a kid going into their teen years. In fact, according to Dictionary.com, that's exactly what the word means. Yet, I couldn't get it out of my mind, much like a lot of other things that had been sifting through my mental soup over the past few weeks... so much so that I've not been sleeping regularly or even felt sociable in any sense.
What has been troubling me? Where is my life lacking in substance? What would've happened if *insert random past event here*? More importantly, why do I feel alone? Admittedly, I've got a lot of people who I'm social with, be it through music, theater, work or other... yet even when surrounded by super positive people & incredibly negative people, I feel out of place.
My first line of thought was "Maybe I should try to do more to fit in." This thought lingered in my brain for about four seconds before I almost slapped myself... that was an old way of thinking from my youth and my early 20's, a time when I was alternating between confused, depressed & heavily intoxicated on a regular basis. I am not going to alter who I am and what I choose to believe in for anyone other than myself, because ultimately I am the one I have to answer to for my choices. I'm a hard-working single man with no familial ties & fairly unlimited freedom to pursue whatever interests I choose... what's not to love about my life? I know I don't fit the mold of any group out there, and what others may assume is my awkwardness, I simply call it my style.
So, after smacking that negative thought out of my head, I started wondering about the people I am frequently with. This is a touchy subject with me, because I don't want to seem disloyal to those who have stuck by me for years upon years... or distrustful to the new acquaintances I have managed to gather since pursuing my dramatic interests. In fact, just because I haven't been with them long enough to be considered more than a new face to work with, I'll leave them out of this. My old friends, however, I can't ignore. I also can't ignore the fact that, aside from a handful of folks who know this does not apply to them, I don't really enjoy my friends anymore. They're all great people, like me they have their positives & negatives, but I think I've become someone different than who I used to be. Not better, not worse... just different. I have certain beliefs, ideals, & goals for myself; none of these are compatible with the old gang. It's to the point where, when I'm in their company, I feel more lonely than when I'm alone... which, now that I think of it, I never really feel all that lonely when I'm alone to begin with. In any case, yes, this is a trouble spot in my attempt to maintain balance, but it's one I'm aware of & am trying to take care of. However, this is an issue I deal with constantly, and since the troubled night of non-sleep are something more recent, another problem must be the culprit.
So I reached out to one of my friends... in all honesty, I think the best friend I ever had & someone whom I may have taken for granted in the past (which is a story for another time), and she gave me her opinion of the situation. She also pointed out a few things to me that I had not considered on the spiritual end of the spectrum. Being a Pagan and having a fairly strong connection to the forces of nature, I might be more in tune with the position of the moon and such. This seemed to be a plausible theory as to some of my issues, but something was still missing...
... then I was watching a show where someone had mentioned dreading her child becoming a "tween". For some reason, that word resonated strongly with me. I decided to look up the definition, and it just instantly came to me: That's me!! I'm a tween!!
LOL... no, I'm not 12 going on 13... and perhaps the literal definition of the word is not quite appropriate. But my interpretation of the word is that it's meant to describe someone who is not quite of one world, yet hasn't quite entered another. And with the application of this logic, I see where it fits my life. See, if there's a blueprint for what the "normal" progression of an individual's growth and lifestyle should be, no one ever bothered to send me a copy. Mine is about as far from the norm as it can be. I didn't do college right out of high school, instead I worked to try to keep busy & help my folks out with money... we always seemed to be broke. Then in my early 20's I got a career job with the railroad (an industry in which I have flourished), moved out on my own & proceeded to make every possible bad decision I could to inflice both physical and mental damage upon myself. I lost my willpower, I lost my soul and on more than one occasion, I nearly lost my life. Those were the dark days. Soon after I straightened myself out a lot, I found a wonderful girlfriend who later became my wife... for two and 1/2 years of confusion & misery. Like almost everything, there were good times as well... but if you ask the two of us now (thankfully we've become friends again), we'd both say we were pretty stupid. However, the best thing to come out of this marriage was my feeling of clarity; I finally realized who I am as a human being and what I wanted from my life... and I haven't stepped backwards since then. I'm in theatrical productions now, I have my choirs to keep me busy, an awesome job, and I'm free to pretty much go on any adventure that I choose... and I usually do. To me, the future is wide open, with a multitude of paths to walk down.
That's why I consider myself a "tween". See, most of the people who I grew up with, or went to school with, or even work with... they have already lived their adventures and are settled down with a life that totally suits them. They have their families, their house, their career, and their routine... and it works for them. At this point in my life, it wouldn't work for me. So I don't quite blend with that crowd. And so I find myself living the life considered to be reserved for the younger 20-year-olds just starting on their journeys... and yet not quite fitting in with that crowd as well. It's one of those "I'm too old to be young, I'm too young to be old" conundrums. But the point is, as soon as I looked at my situation in those terms, I began to realize that I'm not really out of place, I'm actually in place... it's just that the place I'm in is rather unique. Not many dwell here, and so at times it can seem empty. But it's really not, because at various timed I become the best of both worlds! I can still have fun and enjoy the things that I did when I was younger with my friends who are a bit newer to the world, yet I can still maintain a mature relationship with those of my friends who look upon those things as trivial and best left in the past... no judgment on them, even if some occasionally comes my way.
Wow... I kind of feel as though I just got struck with a bullet coated with clarity. Quite the load off, actually. I'm not sure that if any of you do read this, it'll make sense. However, as I've said in the past, these blogs are meant for me. They're my way of looking back at things I've done or thought of & reflecting upon them... and I have a feeling 20 years from now I'll look at this & remember where I was when I typed this.
Alright, I'm out.
