Back to the blogging, I guess. I really do this far too infrequently… sometimes it’s hard for me to sit down & stay in one place long enough to gather my thoughts. This is really why I think I should invest in a tape recorder, since it has occurred to me that most of my deep thinking is done during my time in the car. The commute to & from work gives me ample time to dissect my life & where it’s heading, and also to review where I’ve been and just how I got there to begin with. Believe me, I’m never short of thought; it’s expression I’m sometimes lacking.
Anyway, with the end of 2012 rapidly approaching, I thought it might be a good time to take stock of what’s happened over the past 12 months. Most of the time I find that my life has the steadiness of your average roller coaster, with the peaks & valleys theme at the forefront of the visual interpretation. This year, however, I’m really at a loss to think of many downhill moments (the notable exceptions being the death of one of my favorite aunts & the Patriots once again getting smacked by the Giants in the Super Bowl). So, for my indulgence more than anyone else’s, let’s review some of the key events of the Cuddy-Verse, circa 2012:
For starters, I went on national television for 20 minutes, spun a wheel, made a few bucks & cracked jokes with Pat Sajak. Somewhere in the next life, my grandmother was smiling the whole time… and I believe she still is.
On the musical front, the choir I’m a part of has really begun to carve out its own identity on the local scene. It seems that we’re always busy preparing for some performance, benefit, party, or night of fun :-)
Employment-wise, there is nowhere I’d rather be. My job is awesome, my co-workers (almost without exception)are awesome, and I truly enjoy coming to work. Some people view such a statement as asinine, but I prefer to look at it as a testament to how lucky a person I truly am. As a bonus, I’ve become accustomed to working among the living again. For ten years prior, the overwhelming majority of contact I had with other humans was over the telephone, as I was always stationed at outlaying points on the railroad. Once I got my promotion, however, I began to work in an office, surrounded by the faces of those I only recognized previously by their voices. I’ll admit to being a bit unnerved at the prospect of working with other people after spending years effectively in isolation, but as time went on the shell seems to have crumbled. As I look back now, I am shocked as to how I lasted that long without the company of others!
I also believe this has had a direct effect on the other facets of my life as well, particularly when it comes to socialization with my musical friends. I think in the past, being alone so much really led me to view myself as a bit of an outcast. I would do the choir thing, and show up at events, yet I always seemed to shy away from any real conversation or socialization. After much thought on the matter (yes, and therapy too, which is something I wish everyone in the world would try), I began to realize that I no longer knew how to be a person. A lot of that came from lack of identity & not knowing who I was as a human being, granted… but the fact remains that, outside of a brief period of a true up-and-down marriage, there was very little depth to my socializations with anyone. I couldn’t relate to others because not only was I out of practice, I couldn’t even relate to myself.
So much of that has changed now. I have an identity, and I’m solid in my beliefs about my life & its direction... and it shows. Sure, I may be a little quirky, and perhaps my views are not always considered to be mainstream (whatever the hell that means, anyway…), but the difference now from the past is, they are indeed my views. There’s no longer an attempt by me to fit the mold of the others around me because I am confident enough in myself to know that my mold suits me just fine. In matters of relationships, I used to try to think of myself as a chameleon, with the intent of blending into the crowd to the point of not even knowing I was there. I cannot believe how misguided that belief was, and still is. How is one supposed to shine if they dim their own light?! Seriously, I’m not looking to stand out in the crowd, but I’m certainly not going to shy away from it. I am who I am, I believe what I believe, and I believe that it took way too long to figure out that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m proud to be unique :-)
One of the more significant events of the year happened very recently. Totally out of the blue, after feuding for nearly two years over hurt feelings & stubbornness, I found the peace I’ve always wanted with my ex-wife. She and I were really great friends… before we went & messed it up by getting married. When I look at it now, I can see so many errors on both of our ends… and so can she. It’s really laughable how things turned out between us, I think… she was the free-spirited young Pagan with the perpetual romantic view of the world; I was the hardened warrior forged by a past of turmoil & responsibility. Our paths intertwined, we learned a lot from each other, and years later, she’s now the Bible-thumping parent & wife in her mid-20’s trying to run a household with two children, taking on a lot of responsibility. I, on the other hand, have become the totally laid-back fun-loving Pagan with the travel-lust of Indiana Jones & a seemingly endless well of optimism, running around like I’m in my mid 20’s & trying to find the next big event so I can take the night off! In the end, after all the negativity washed away, we both realized that we each took the best from each other & added it to our own little mixture, thus bringing us one step closer to a completed portrait.
On the home front, my niece makes me smile more than any other person in my life right now. She’s smart, she’s adorable, and I really enjoy being the goofy uncle with her. I never understood why I’ve always felt comfortable around kids… my friend’s daughters, my roommate’s nephew, my ex-stepdaughter, they all seem to connect with me. I wonder if it’s because I really have no problem with being a kid around them. In fact, I have no problem with being a kid at all. Shit, I’ll go home after a lousy day and watch The Muppets to cheer me up! Some people think it’s weird, I’m sure… but they’re not me, so in the end it really doesn’t matter what they choose to think. I am who I am, and I don’t bother trying to change people’s opinions… in the Land of Cud, the one called Matt is king…
… it’s occurred to me that I totally lost track of this blog. I just started to spout a lot of thought-matter that bubbled up as my fingers were pressing the keys, so a lot of what I’ve written might not be in the proper structural order for this to be considered any type of meaningful blog. Then again, who is to decide that meaningful is, anyway? As always, these are simply written collections of my innermost thoughts & opinions, geared toward being for my own personal review, and generously shared with others so that they may understand a little bit more if they so choose. In all honesty, I think if you know me, it’s worth the effort to check it out… but if you don’t, that’s fine as well. I only request that, should you decide I’m too weird of a person to keep in the “friend” column, you would make such a choice after knowing me, rather than simply dismissing the liberal Earth-loving hippie Trekkie choir geek who loves Josie & The Pussycats.
… don’t roll your eyes at me, that movie had some funny moments :-)
Blessed be, my brothers & sisters…
-MC-
