Rain, Rain, Run Away... Matt Has Got A Lot To Say...

Every so often, you have to have ventilation for the heat before it starts to burn away at the insides and causes a meltdown. Now, I occasionally go on a rant about something, but usually it's less of a “rant” and more of a “semi-heated commentary” on an issue I feel deserves a little scrutiny. However, this election and the fallout from what is being termed as a “statement to take America back to glory” and rid the country of those who do not follow the agenda of the ruling regime has sparked a little bit of disgust in me. So, I feel I should write about a few things that are bothering me, and this election has been the catalyst.

Now, to be fair, it's not so much the election as the fallout that's starting to weigh on me. Obviously, a lot of people were unhappy with how things are going, and they want change. I'm one of them, by the way. There's a lot about both sides of this government that has me pissed off... but right now I want to keep politics out of this, despite the fact that we just had an election. My main concern is the overall attitude of some in this country... not all, just some. Unfortunately, a large percentage of this “some” happen to be the people who are all around me... and because I'm feeling frustrated, I'm gonna take a moment to shoot.

First of all... who the hell are any of you to tell me I'm inferior or crazy because I have beliefs different from yours?!! So, does it make me evil if I'm not a Christian? Am I some kind of lower form of human being because I don't believe in “Christian Values”? Well, it just so happens that there are a lot of “Christian Values” I do agree with... I don't go out looking to cause harm to others, I have respect for my neighbors, I do believe marriage – between ANY gender – is a sacred thing, and although I don't believe that a woman's right to an abortion should be taken from her, I'm not a believer in abortion. I don't believe in murder, I don't believe in stealing from my neighbors, family or friends. These all seem like very “Christian Values” to me... however, by name alone, the term “Christian Values” implies that it is only the Christians who practice these things... that's pretty fucking arrogant, if you ask me. These are values of humanity, the Christians didn't corner the market on treating others peacefully. I choose to find my faith in another place... I'm a very spiritual Pagan. Does this make me less than you? Apparently, to some in my life and in this country, it does. And while I'm normally reserved in my criticism, to these people I now offer some advice: go fuck yourself.

Next, let's look at a few social issues... gay marriage, guns, the working class, big business, immigration, etc. I'd like to be real clear here: on most of these topics I would fall into the “liberal” category, however I detest being associated with groups; the voice of the individual to me holds much more significance that those of a group that will compromise even one of their beliefs in order to be counted with others. This may seem a little hypocritical to what I preach sometimes, because I often say that it's our duty to look out for one another and those around us... but in this case I'm speaking about personal beliefs, not actions. In any case, my beliefs in equal marriage for all, the idea that health care is a right, not a privilege... the concept that instead of censoring the religious views of some, we should be celebrating all of them... these are things I believe in strongly. However, the idea that we should close our borders to immigration, we should ban travel to these countries that are stricken with Ebola, and that a program like Welfare should be much more heavily regulated than it is now in order to crack down on the millions that are abusing the system... these fall under a more conservative umbrella. So, am I a conservative? I don't see it that way, but a lot of liberals would ostracize me for speaking in such a manner... thus proving my theory that independent thought is not only frowned upon by the population, but is in fact discouraged by society. A substantial portion of the world only sees things in black & white, and doesn't bother glancing at the colors. So how does that affect me? It's a battle I fight every day by some of those in close proximity to me... and it's a battle that I usually win very easily. Sometimes, however... I feel as though the only thing protecting me from wicked acts is the fact that meditation has taught me the value of restraint.

Finally, my lifestyle. Well... maybe that's a dumb word to use. In fact, I'm gonna steal a quote from the ever-wise George Carlin here and point something out:

“If you wanna know what a ridiculous word 'lifestyle' is, all you have to do is realize that, in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an 'active, outdoor lifestyle'.”

Sorry, back from that tangent...

Let's say my “personal choices”. I am absolutely thrilled with the person I am, and a lot of those who try to convince me they're my “friends” would be pretty damn lucky to have accomplished the things that I have. I made a shitload of bad choices when I was younger, recovered from almost all of them and now I'm almost completely at peace... minus this blog, of course!! But damn man, I'm pretty fucking tired of people trying to tell me that the way I live is not how a “normal” person lives... or that my goals are not what they should be at this stage of my life. And by people, I guess I really only mean a select few... who would never bother to read something I've written or come to see any of my performances because they feel it's stupid and not worth their time. Well, believe me... before this eats away at me so much to the point where I start to hemorrhage, there will be words spoken. But not yet... I would like to wait until I'm calm enough to be rational and not allow an unfiltered version of me to live beyond this day or this blog. But needless to say, to those whose standards I apparently do not meet... the only standards I ever have to live up to in my personal life are those I set for myself. I do not have to impress anyone, nor do I accept your criticism of my personality & my preferences as anything other than the jealous, fearful barbs of small-minded people who are so envious that they don't have the fortitude or drive to move beyond their self-pity & addictive personalities to achieve the marvelous things I have in my short time on this earth. I do not rant because I'm dissatisfied with my life; I rant because you ignorant assholes sit & pass judgment on me because you are dissatisfied with yours. So don't worry; when I'm far away from this cloud that you choose to bring into my home & I look back from the sunshine to see just how many steps behind me you truly are, maybe it'll be a wake-up call for you to drop your shit & catch up. Until then, enjoy life in the rear-view mirror.

… I have to be honest here, for a good few hours I thought I might not post this blog. This may ruffle some feathers, and it is written primarily out of frustration & anger, which is something I don't always embrace as being presentable to the world. But upon reading what I've written thus far, I feel it's a good reminder that there are indeed two sides to every coin... a yin and a yang, as it were. To deny one would be to deny the whole thing... and I'm not about denial. Haven't been for a long time. So, I'm gonna put this up. Getting these words down on paper (well, cyberspace), has actually calmed me down quite a bit. Those of you who actually read my blogs do so because you have an interest in my life & my views... and more so, I like to look back and see what I'm thinking from time to time. Please understand, I'm not intending to judge others by making my views sound any more right or wrong than anyone else's, nor is it my intent to insult the personal beliefs others. My intent is to describe just how very pro-me I am and how very anti-judgment I am. In the end, we're all who we are and we all have to live with each other... and although I'm generally upbeat and do not always show a lot of outward frustration, it's inhuman of me to deny that it's there. And as such, I won't.

I just noticed the clouds outside... happens to all of us, I guess. Maybe the sun will be back tomorrow.

-MC

In The Land of the Apples and Oranges, the Banana is Obviously Lost...

So, here we go again...

As deep as my thoughts are lately, even more so with upcoming future events in the spring (which I will touch upon later), I cannot help but to be somewhat unable to stay entirely topical with these blogs. Then again, is there really any need? I'm unsure of the rules with regards to how a blog is supposed to be structured or even characterized, which leads me to believe that perhaps they are not. Maybe a blog is supposed to reflect the characteristics of its creator, in which case I'm gonna be successful with this one; I hate characterization, I don't do well with labels and I follow no kind of noticeable structure in my life... save for that of my own personal values. So, whoever reads this, be warned... I'm gonna be bouncing with this one :-)

Let's see...

I posted something today on Facebook regarding the dehumanization of customer service on the phone. I got a few different responses to my complaints about how it frustrates me that those who are on the other end of the telephone seem to lack the basic skills or the personality to make you anything but annoyed, and suggested that it was a strong reason as to why these jobs are disappearing. I'm not sure, but I feel that I may have been unfairly harsh... after all, as I see on the railroad from time to time & hear from my co-workers out in the field, the general public is the hardest animal to tame. People as individuals are fabulous; as a whole, they make me want to thank whoever invented the flamethrower & put one on layaway. Some of them are really quite rude, in fact. Last night, while shopping at Wal-Mart, I was appalled to listen to this guy at the register next to mine rip into this clerk trying to ring up his purchases, using all kinds of slurs & basically degrading her in front of the general public. Now, if this clerk were being rude, I could understand the frustration if not condone his actions... however, this sweet little woman seemed nothing but pleasant, and to her credit, just smiled & nodded while this moronic pile of douche treated her as though she were beneath him. That frustrates me to no end, and upon further review, perhaps I should be a little more patient with some people. After all, they're just trying to do their jobs... and at a far lower wage than I'm fortunate enough to bring home. Life's too short to get heated over little things like that, anyway. To quote George Carlin... “Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.” :-)

What else...

Oh, here's something. I have recently begun to think of some of the mistakes I made in relationships of the past, and I came running back to a conclusion that I had reached long ago: I had measured my self-worth in any type of relationship on trying to fix everything, to be the hero to those I cared about, the one to lead them from their troubles & bring them to a better state of being. I thought I was being noble, and my actions were well-intentioned. Unfortunately, they were misguided and did way more harm than good. My ex-wife tried to teach me this a long time ago, but I wasn't able to grasp it for a long time. See, the clarity I've attained has opened my mind to all these mistakes I've made... I really have to laugh at what a dope I was, LOL! See, by trying to rescue others & take them away from their troubles, I wasn't helping them; instead, I was giving them a false sense of security by trying to convince them that their problems were over because I would force them to disappear. What I never took into account was that you can't make someone else's troubles disappear like that... problems have to be faced, dealt with, and solved. And you can't outrun them... in the end, if you don't confront them on your terms, they'll find you and destroy you on their terms. I finally realized that if I truly want to help the people I care about, I can't be the hero that magically makes the darkness go away; instead, I'll be the rock they need by standing behind them & helping them to their feet when their struggles knock them down a bit. It seems to me that a person who has someone standing beside them in the struggle can overcome the chaos of the world much more successfully than having someone hide them from the world. Wish I knew that years ago... you live, you learn :-)

Random Lesson: Never drink Goldschlager. I got my ass kicked :-)

… y'know, I think I'm gonna try to get a band together. I miss playing guitar (even though I kinda sucked, LOL), and I know I've got the vocal chops to make anything I do successful. I'm gonna look around...

Speaking of which, I feel I should address something. For a long time, I was kind of humble about a lot of things in my life, displaying what some may refer to as “false modesty”. Well, it wasn't false. I really placed a cap on how I rated my skills as a musician and a performer. However, the more I get going with performing, the more I'm starting to realize just how much potential I really have. I've always been one who has said that settling for something is never good enough, if you really want something bad enough you have to keep pushing until you get it. Well, fair warning: I'm about to become very pushy... and I'll leave it at that.

I found a new idea for a tattoo. I'm going to get a phrase tattooed on my wrist. For the purposes of surprise, I will not reveal it at this time. However, I will confirm that the phrase is not “WHAZZZZUUUUUUPPPP!!!!”

I'm tired. I'm going to bed now. Thank you to my close circle of friends who really keep me focused & remind me that, though I sometimes feel as though I'm alone on this ship, there are others walking the deck with me, sailing the waters & embracing the unbelievable weirdness of the world. My life, crazy as it is sometimes, is still so very awesome... and some of you remind me of this always. You know who are are :-)

And... that's a wrap.

-MC

I Saw A Reflection In A Piece Of Silverware. It Was Shiny.

Short one tonight, I'm a little sleepy.

I think I found a fork in the road., which in itself is nothing new. No path is ever without divergence, unless you don't have the ability to see past the end of your nose (ah, a Mary Poppins reference... first time I've done that, I believe). However, this particular fork is one in which I feel was not always ahead of me... it's almost as if it followed me down whatever path I was walking, yet I chose not to see it.

See, the thing is... I've fallen head over heels. Not for a person (not sure I ever want to go down that path again, a tale for another time), but in this case I've fallen for a lifestyle. One that I used to think was a bit out of my league, to be honest.

The simple truth of the situation is, I believe that above all else in my life, I'm meant to be a performer.

This is more than just a temporary rush caused by being in three awesome productions over the past year, and meeting a bunch of people who have done the same for years before that... I just feel as though it's where I fit. I've blogged before about not quite knowing where exactly I fit in within this universe, and honestly if I were on my own for the rest of my life with most people wondering exactly where it is I'm at, I'd be cool with it. I'm not unhappy with my life in the slightest, trust me. It's just that I've recently been struck with an epiphany... and knowing where my skill set lays, it's one that I'm really surprised did not strike me as hard as it has until now. Nevertheless, here it is, staring me in the face.

Perhaps it was brought about by some of the fantastic people I've worked with over the past year... for a long while, I seemed to be the biggest fish in the pond, and that was okay. I enjoyed it... and I still do. But this theater life? Holy cow, I was unprepared for exactly how much I had no clue about. I was suddenly a guppy trying to swim in the ocean! It was intimidating, challenging, and chaotic... and I loved every minute of it! Now, however, I've taken the big step from guppy to... well, maybe goldfish. I'm still in the ocean floating around with the big fish, and learning everything I can from them. What's even more awesome than that, however, is that they've accepted me. So many times I've heard about how newcomers can get chewed up & spit out by those people who're just starting out. Not with these folks... there's a bond building here, one that I'm appreciating more & more every day. This is where I'm meant to be, honing my craft, spending my time chasing my passions & sharing whatever gifts I have with people who feel the same way. It's where I need to be, and it's all I can think about.

So, now the questions arise...

What do I do about that pesky thing called “The Future”?

I've built a pretty decent career here with the railroad, another place which, surprisingly enough, I take a lot of joy out of working. I do love my job very much, and am one of those rare folks who looks forward to going to work. But the question of “What if you had to give up your creative pursuits for your job?” always seemed so easy to answer: I'd be mad, of course, but in the end, I'd find other creative outlets that didn't interfere with my work.

Point-blank: I can't use that answer anymore.

That's where the real chaos beings.

I get one go-around on this planet (at least, with this consciousness), and I owe it to myself to make the best effort I can to enjoy every moment of it... while doing something worthwhile. I can't just fall back on the safe path & coast toward the finish line, can I? If I choose to follow my passions with complete conviction, it's going to take a lot of sacrifice & reflection. I don't think there's an easy answer to this one.

Man, sometimes forks can be a pain in the ass.

Enough from me, I'm out for the night.

P..S. - The first two episodes of this season's The Walking Dead are masterpieces. Do not attempt to convince me otherwise, for you only guarantee a swift cut by the sword of failure.

-MC-

My Brain Is Leaking, & You Just Stepped In It!! HA HA!!

I'm inundated with curiosity today. I've been watching the news, reading the news, getting sickened by the news... same old story, I suppose. But still... some things I see from people astound me. But I digress...

I'm a little bored today. I'm 4 hours away from showtime, and surprisingly I'm not at all nervous. What that says about me as a performer, I'm not sure. However, as a person I have to say it's shocking the hell out of me. With the limited experience I have on stage, one would think I'd be close to panic... but not me. Does this mean I'm getting good at this? I wouldn't say that... however, I might not object if others did... ;-)

So... here's a series of random questions I have no answer to, but may decide to research someday. Unless anyone reading this knows the answer, in which case I would accept your input with open arms:

Where is the logic of charging people more money for less service? (Yes, I'm talking to you, Comcast... you wanna raise my bill for not using your phone... I find your company shitty to begin with, but that takes the cake.)

When did politicians start to feel their jobs were more career-long positions granted by birthright, rather than temp jobs given to them by the public?

Why do people assume that their beliefs are the only ones that should be followed, and than anyone who disagrees with their views is a sinner, heathen, etc.?

Why can you not buy any brand-name orange sherbet anymore? I mean stand-alone orange sherbet, not mixed with nasty vanilla flavor or other sherbet flavors? And don't give me that store brand garbage, that's nothing more than colored water that forms ice crystals the day after you open the cheap plastic tub it comes in. Epic failure by the grocery store.

What do people have against snakes? I'm planning to own one within the next six months, and I've already been told by several people that they will refuse to visit if I have one. What a bad rap my little scaly buddies have, they're no more vicious or dangerous than other animals... if you know how to take care of them. I'm a quick learner.

If human beings evolved from monkeys & apes, why do we still have monkeys & apes?

My hair is awesome. Not a question, just a random observation :-)

Why is it such a bad deal to have casinos around here? If people want to go spend a night trying their luck playing a few games, so be it. It's not the fault of those responsible enough to manage their money if other people go a little crazy & lose their shirt. It's the same with banning fireworks in this state... those of us who know how to properly ignite these things are forced to head to New Hampshire & sneak them back across the border, trying to dodge the state troopers on the way back. Pretty lame. Apparently in our society, the concept of personal accountability has been pushed aside in favor of the much easier solution of denying things to all people. Lazy, lazy, lazy. And unfair. Just sayin'...

***Editor's Note: As a former substitute English teacher, I'm aware that there are many grammatical errors within this entire blog. Tough shit, I'm not graded on this, deal with it.***

What else can I throw out there...

Why isn't the phenomenon known as ASMR more widely known? Through this simple practice, I have added so much more potency to my daily meditations... and there are so many talented practitioners & content creators out there that can help you find the most exhilarating state of relaxation! Google ASMR when you get the chance, then scour the files of YouTube. You won't be disappointed.

Regarding my earlier comments about performing... I've changed my mind. Not about being nervous, about my self-judgment as a performer. I'm gonna go out on a limb here & say I'm pretty damn good :-)

I love hockey more than football. Never thought that would happen. But it has.

Christmas is coming... hide your wallets, everybody else will be looking for them :-)

And on that note, I'm outta here. I have a show to prep for. If you enjoyed my rambling on this blog, good. If not, I'll deal with you later. With a blowtorch and tweezers.

… okay, just tweezers.

Over & Out (or as my Canadian relatives say, Oot.)

Gotta do this more often...

Sometimes, all it takes is one moment of clarity to hit you in the face... and everything starts to come together.

I had heard the word "tween" used here & there, generally when speaking about a kid going into their teen years.  In fact, according to Dictionary.com, that's exactly what the word means.  Yet, I couldn't get it out of my mind, much like a lot of other things that had been sifting through my mental soup over the past few weeks... so much so that I've not been sleeping regularly or even felt sociable in any sense.

What has been troubling me?  Where is my life lacking in substance?  What would've happened if *insert random past event here*?  More importantly, why do I feel alone?  Admittedly, I've got a lot of people who I'm social with, be it through music, theater, work or other... yet even when surrounded by super positive people & incredibly negative people, I feel out of place.

My first line of thought was "Maybe I should try to do more to fit in."  This thought lingered in my brain for about four seconds before I almost slapped myself... that was an old way of thinking from my youth and my early 20's, a time when I was alternating between confused, depressed & heavily intoxicated on a regular basis.  I am not going to alter who I am and what I choose to believe in for anyone other than myself, because ultimately I am the one I have to answer to for my choices.  I'm a hard-working single man with no familial ties & fairly unlimited freedom to pursue whatever interests I choose... what's not to love about my life?  I know I don't fit the mold of any group out there, and what others may assume is my awkwardness, I simply call it my style.

So, after smacking that negative thought out of my head, I started wondering about the people I am frequently with.  This is a touchy subject with me, because I don't want to seem disloyal to those who have stuck by me for years upon years... or distrustful to the new acquaintances I have managed to gather since pursuing my dramatic interests.  In fact, just because I haven't been with them long enough to be considered more than a new face to work with, I'll leave them out of this.  My old friends, however, I can't ignore.  I also can't ignore the fact that, aside from a handful of folks who know this does not apply to them, I don't really enjoy my friends anymore.  They're all great people, like me they have their positives & negatives, but I think I've become someone different than who I used to be.  Not better, not worse... just different.  I have certain beliefs, ideals, & goals for myself; none of these are compatible with the old gang.  It's to the point where, when I'm in their company, I feel more lonely than when I'm alone... which, now that I think of it, I never really feel all that lonely when I'm alone to begin with.  In any case, yes, this is a trouble spot in my attempt to maintain balance, but it's one I'm aware of & am trying to take care of.   However, this is an issue I deal with constantly, and since the troubled night of non-sleep are something more recent, another problem must be the culprit.

So I reached out to one of my friends... in all honesty, I think the best friend I ever had & someone whom I may have taken for granted in the past (which is a story for another time), and she gave me her opinion of the situation.  She also pointed out a few things to me that I had not considered on the spiritual end of the spectrum.  Being a Pagan and having a fairly strong connection to the forces of nature, I might be more in tune with the position of the moon and such.  This seemed to be a plausible theory as to some of my issues, but something was still missing...

... then I was watching a show where someone had mentioned dreading her child becoming a "tween".  For some reason, that word resonated strongly with me.  I decided to look up the definition, and it just instantly came to me:  That's me!!  I'm a tween!!

LOL... no, I'm not 12 going on 13... and perhaps the literal definition of the word is not quite appropriate.  But my interpretation of the word is that it's meant to describe someone who is not quite of one world, yet hasn't quite entered another.  And with the application of this logic, I see where it fits my life.  See, if there's a blueprint for what the "normal" progression of an individual's growth and lifestyle should be, no one ever bothered to send me a copy.  Mine is about as far from the norm as it can be.  I didn't do college right out of high school, instead I worked to try to keep busy & help my folks out with money... we always seemed to be broke.  Then in my early 20's I got a career job with the railroad (an industry in which I have flourished), moved out on my own & proceeded to make every possible bad decision I could to inflice both physical and mental damage upon myself.  I lost my willpower, I lost my soul and on more than one occasion, I nearly lost my life.  Those were the dark days.  Soon after I straightened myself out a lot, I found a wonderful girlfriend who later became my wife... for two and 1/2 years of confusion & misery.  Like almost everything, there were good times as well... but if you ask the two of us now (thankfully we've become friends again), we'd both say we were pretty stupid.  However, the best thing to come out of this marriage was my feeling of clarity; I finally realized who I am as a human being and what I wanted from my life... and I haven't stepped backwards since then. I'm in theatrical productions now, I have my choirs to keep me busy, an awesome job, and I'm free to pretty much go on any adventure that I choose... and I usually do.  To me, the future is wide open, with a multitude of paths to walk down.

That's why I consider myself a "tween".  See, most of the people who I grew up with, or went to school with, or even work with... they have already lived their adventures and are settled down with a life that totally suits them.  They have their families, their house, their career, and their routine... and it works for them.  At this point in my life, it wouldn't work for me.  So I don't quite blend with that crowd.  And so I find myself living the life considered to be reserved for the younger 20-year-olds just starting on their journeys... and yet not quite fitting in with that crowd as well.  It's one of those "I'm too old to be young, I'm too young to be old" conundrums.  But the point is, as soon as I looked at my situation in those terms, I began to realize that I'm not really out of place, I'm actually in place... it's just that the place I'm in is rather unique.  Not many dwell here, and so at times it can seem empty.  But it's really not, because at various timed I become the best of both worlds!  I can still have fun and enjoy the things that I did when I was younger with my friends who are a bit newer to the world, yet I can still maintain a mature relationship with those of my friends who look upon those things as trivial and best left in the past... no judgment on them, even if some occasionally comes my way.

Wow... I kind of feel as though I just got struck with a bullet coated with clarity.  Quite the load off, actually.  I'm not sure that if any of you do read this, it'll make sense.  However, as I've said in the past, these blogs are meant for me.  They're my way of looking back at things I've done or thought of & reflecting upon them... and I have a feeling 20 years from now I'll look at this & remember where I was when I typed this.

Alright, I'm out.

Thoughts from the Barricade

You ever get the feeling that you have tons of things to say, yet when the moment comes you have no idea what to say?

Welcome to my life.

At this exact moment in time, I’m sitting in an office, taking a break from a job I fought hard to get for almost 10 years.  Mind you, I love what I do; I don’t even know what else I’d rather be doing than working this job.  As one of those rare types who actually shows up to work happy to be there, I can tell you… life is pretty awesome.

But… (isn’t there always a “but”?)

But…

I’ve discovered something about myself.  I’ve always said that I’m not the type to look back and second-guess the decisions I’ve made in my life.  Nor am I prone to regret the missteps I’ve taken, because as a person I’ve found it’s with these missteps that I learn where the ground of my life is solid… and where it’s not.  I don’t live for yesterday, I don’t worry about what could’ve been… and I don’t dwell over the decisions I’ve made that turned out to be not-so-spectacular.  The eyes are always ahead, always on the future.

But…

Recently something in me has changed.  My course has hit some unexpected curves, and frankly, I’ve been unprepared for the affect it’s had on me.  Let me be clear, these are not any negative happenings.  Nothing is going wrong.  Quite the opposite, everything is going spectacularly.  I’ve got my life exactly where I want it, and I can honestly say that none of it was handed to me, or gift-wrapped for me.  I’ve had help, of course, and the people in my life who’ve helped me know how much I appreciate it. 

To put it out there… I’ve begun to wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be.

This new experience… being on stage in a musical, surrounded by people who are just incredible… was this where I was supposed to be all along?  Years ago I made a decision to veer away from doing any kind of performing on a professional level, because in my mind the thought of taking something I’m passionate about & turning it into work was a recipe for disaster.  How can you truly enjoy something that completely dictates your life to the degree a career does?  Besides, I’m not that good… who would pump out their hard-earned money to come see me perform, or listen to me sing, or tune in to me on the radio (another dream of mine that will be achieved, by the way)?  I’ve always maintained that I have a great group of friends, people who are loyal to me, who would have my back if I ever needed them without question… and who understand so little about me, it’s like I’m a stranger in my own life.  Indeed, I think I have the same kind of vibe with the folks I work with… I get along with 99% of them, and they’re definitely awesome to be around… but I sometimes think that I’m viewed as a bit of a curiosity, perhaps as someone who is not exactly normal (whatever that is).  If that’s the case, it’s fine… I know I’m a little eccentric, my interests aren’t those of most people’s chosen radar screen.  I’m a Trekkie… who’s into choral singing & musicals… who enjoys pro wrestling… and laughs at weird things… and is outgoing with mostly everyone in my circles… while jealously guarding my privacy.  I’m quirky.  Whatever, it’s who I am, and I’m usually so amused with myself that I don’t focus on the thoughts of others.  But I do pay attention.  Then again, I’ve a horrible radar sometimes when it comes to reading people, so this may be just how I view myself.  I’m unsure… and muddled…

… where was I?

Oh yeah, back to life… I don’t want to be known as someone who focuses on things I have no control over… and the past would certainly fall into that category.  However, the future is completely in my hands… and for the first time in perhaps my whole life, I’m facing choices while being fully equipped to handle the consequences.  Maybe that’s what’s got me so befuddled; I’m not afraid of making the wrong choice, because I know I’ll be successful on whatever path I walk.  It’s that I don’t have the fear of failure hanging over my head.  It’s a new experience… I’m not used to this at all.

Then why, you may ask, am I complaining?

Well, I’m not.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  I’m really just trying to put into printed word the thoughts that I’m usually unable to verbalize.  In that respect, this entire blog is probably one gigantic, disturbing unorganized mess… I’ve literally done away with any type of structure and just thrown my thoughts into cyberspace, hoping that one day I can look back at them with a feeling of amusement. 

It’s a slow night at the office.  My brain, however, is outrunning the hours.

8 more days to Les Miserables.  And, like Jean Valjean says, Who am I?

When I have that answer, I’ll try to put it into a song.  It worked for Cameron Macintosh.

… look him up if you don’t know who he is.

-MC

10-24-13

The Record... and making it as straight as possible...

Has it really been six months since I've done this?

Yep, says the calendar on my last blog post.  Apparently, I had a lot to say on 12/12/12... nevermind the uniqueness of that date alone, it was just an all-around interesting period of my life.

Which brings me to here...

Some who are reading this are undoubtedly people who I communicate with regularly on Facebook, through various postings, messages, etc.  Yet, for the past two weeks, with a rare exception here and there, I have blocked all attempts at communication.  I have not responded to much of anything on there, and have essentially just visited.  I have left a few random quotes on my page, just as a reminder that I am alive.  Also, it was my hope that people could interpret them in a certain way.

This hope has gone unfulfilled.  Such is life, I suppose.  In any case, I would like to lay a few ground rules.... no, ground rules is not the right term.  I prefer "guidelines"... yes, that'll do quite nicely.  These are a few guidelines on Facebook etiquette when it comes to me:

1. Just because I'm online, that doesn't mean I want to be bombarded with chat requests.  I usually just jump on there to do a quick scan of what's going on, and then I like to go on my merry way.  Trust me, when I want to chat, I'll find you.  Otherwise, I have no time for such things.

2.  If I ignore your chat requests, there are a couple or likely scenarios:
a)See Above
b)My cell phone is showing me currently active on Facebook, even though I'm not.  I do realize this is an error on my end, therefore I've taken steps to correct it.
c)The obvious results of the above statements should lead you to the conclusion that, in all likelihood, you are not being ignored.  I'm simply unaware of your attempts at contact.

3. While all of this may lead people to think I'm antisocial, I don't consider this to be the case at all.  In fact, there are times when I totally love to ham it up online & bombard the world with the things I consider to be of interest.  However, I am also borderline fanatic when it comes to needing my distance at times, and this is where I feel the problem lies.  It could quite possibly be an issue of me not effectively conveying my need for solitute, and if so then I will take responsibility for this.  Trust me, I do like all of you that I talk to, it's just that my need for space at times is overwhelming.  I hope this is understood.

Speaking of understanding...

I posted a random comment on Facebook about a month ago about having little to nothing in common with my closest friends.  On the outside, this statement looks like a recipe for disaster & confusion, yet I defended this conclusion with the statement that no matter what differences we have, my friends have my back, and I have theirs.  This is still true.  However, as what tends to happen during my long drive to work, I got to thinking deeply on the subject.  Thinking, analyzing, dissecting, and trying to find a conclusion.  Finally, I was left with an idea; one which I'm surprised to say I never touched upon before. 

Maybe, I thought, I should try to explain myself.

See, I was always against this, because I thought that trying to paint a clear picture of who I am is not something I should have to do.  I figured that if someone was interested in getting to understand what makes me think the way that I think, it was their duty to come to me & ask me.  I don't need to provide a road map through my psyche, was my belief.

It still is.  However, I've discovered that by doing exactly that, it helps me.  It makes me see, in plain words in front of my eyes, just who I am.  Plus, it does give some of the people closest to me a little idea of where it is I'm coming from.  No confusion, no misunderstanding (is that redundant?), just plain, simple truth.

I am not married, and I have no children.  I tried this, it was not successful... for a variety of reasons.  To be blunt, neither I nor my ex-wife were ready for it.  It took some growing up on both our parts to realize this, and although I live my life with no room for regrets, the truth is I think I could've done without all the hurt feelings, on both ends.  However, I've moved on, and to be even more honest, it takes a really spectacular person to come along & catch my attention enough to want to start any type of relationship.  All this talk people give me about not getting any younger, it really has no impact on me.  When I want something, I go out & get it.  This includes a relationship.  I don't mean to sound callous, but it's the truth.  As far as kids go, well... I suppose in the future I'd like to have some type of family.  But again, this is all dependent upon meeting someone who can kindle my interest in such a thing.  The situation has to be right, I refuse to settle for anything less. 

I haven't been a practicing Christian for years now, and instead find my faith in Pagan beliefs.  Of all the unique things about me, this may be the single hardest idea for people to reconcile.  Why this is so, especially in this politically-charged day and age, I have no idea.  But it's true, I was born & raised a Catholic.  I began to find, as I got older, that when I was going to church, I would look around and see people who were completely solemn, somber, and disinterested.  In my opinion, these were folks that were there out of obligation, or fear, or some other reason other than wanting to celebrate their faith.  I simply couldn't take it.  Life's too short not to celebrate every moment you're here, and if there is indeed a supreme being, I can't imagine that their idea for us is to plod around a building every Sunday looking miserable & being afraid not to be there. 

I sought out a new place to put my faith, and after several pit stops in other Christian-based places, it was my ex-wife of all people who opened my eyes to the Pagan lifestyle.  Now, I know most of you reading this will probably never look deeply into Paganism as a faith, and in fact your first reaction to the mention of it borders on disgust.  However, I implore you to have an open mind, and just accept that it is simply a faith based on peace, love, and connecting with the world around us.  No single doctrine, no rulebook, no judgment.  I don't want to come off like a salesman here, so I'll simply say that it's a faith that accepts all of us, and doesn't demand anything of us other than that which we already should know.  Love one another, do no harm, take care of our world & all creatures who dwell upon it.  Most of all, accept everyone.  Do not judge others on their beliefs, respect their rights to believe however they will & embrace that right.A simple philosophy with no catches.  Personally, I never found that on Sundays.

I refuse to call myslef a Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, or any other label the news media & political pundits would try to use to classify me as a voter.  For a long time, I considered myself a solid Democrat.  I believed that this was the party of the people, a group of politicians & lawmakers who had "the little guy" in mind, as opposed to the evil Republicans who were all for big business, the wealthy & keeping anyone who wasn't white, straight, & Christian from becoming anything in this country.  I have since come to realize that the truth has been obscured.  Both parties have become the problem.  I have such a hard time finding a politician I can trust, because nowadays it seems by their very definitions, politicians are liars.  I don't believe any one of these elected officials on either side of the aisle really cares much about my problems, unless by helping me solve it they can have my vote.  I truly hate politics & politicians.

However, that's a rant for another blog... a much longer one than this (if that's possible...)

I have no prejudice against any classification of human being.  This one is really quite simple.  When I look at someone, I don't see a white person, or a black person, or a gay person, or an immigrant, or a fat person, or any other type of label a person is saddled with... believe me, being who I am, I've been given plenty of them in my lifetime.  No, all I see are people.  I'm not naive, I know that there are differences between all of us, but the very idea of someone trying to label another in order to differentiate them from the whole of society is despicable.  I'm not talking about jokes, either... those are simply meant to be humorous, and in fact many of them are funny, even to those groups that are meant as the butt of the joke.  What really hurts are the labels that the media, or the government, or the school systems in this country seem to place upon us.  Perhaps I'm alone in my thinking here, but across the world, in my view people don't want to be seen as this, or that, or anything else that separates them from the rest of the world.  They want to be seen as people, pure & simple.  It's not the people who turn against each other, it's those in power who pull the strings of the rest of us to keep us apart.  I cut my strings a while ago.

Family is not built by blood, family is built by love.  I have a somewhat checkered background when it comes to family (who doesn't nowadays?).  Some of you know bits & pieces, others know little to nothing.  All I'll say is this... for a long time, I rode a very bumpy ocean, in a boat that had no place anywhere but a pond.  I lost all room in my heart for hate, but there was something worse than hate that was festering.  I came to realize that the only thing a human heart can feel that is worse than hate is nothing at all.  That's where I was.

I'm not there anymore.  I've made peace with the demons I battled for so long.  I'm free.

How can you be happy with your life?  Don't you want a normal life like everyone else?  If I were condemned to live my life according to the court of public opinion, I would gladly walk to the nearest volcano & do a cannonball.  I do not, will not, and will never base my happiness & my ideals on anyone's needs other than my own.  I love my life, every second of it, without question.  I do what makes me happy, I harm no one & therefore have only myself to answer to.  I have a job that I absolutely love, I look forward to going to work every day, and have plenty of outside interests to keep me occupied during my downtime.  My music fulfills my creative side, and I know that if there's something I want badly enough, I'll get it.  In short, I am supremely confident in my abilities to navigate the waters of this life, and will accept nothing less than success in everything I do.

Sometimes it seems that those around me either don't believe me, or can't understand how I can consider myself successful against those who society feels are the ones who should be emulated.  The answer, quite simply, comes back to a statement I made above:

 I do not, will not, and will never base my happiness & my ideals on anyone's needs other than my own.

Well, I think it's time to put this one to rest.  This is less of a blog and more of a manifesto, anyway.  If any of you made it this far, I owe you a cookie & a beer.  Or maybe a cookie-flavored beer... I could invent that.  In all honesty, I know other people don't have to be reading these things, and for those that do, I'm glad you take some kind of interest in what I have to say.  At its best, these blogs are a way to share my myriad of thoughts with the rest of the world.  At its worst, it's a facinating reference for me to look back & see what I was feeling at a particular point in time. 

Until the next time...

***END TRANSMISSION***