Sometimes, all it takes is one moment of clarity to hit you in the face... and everything starts to come together.
I had heard the word "tween" used here & there, generally when speaking about a kid going into their teen years. In fact, according to Dictionary.com, that's exactly what the word means. Yet, I couldn't get it out of my mind, much like a lot of other things that had been sifting through my mental soup over the past few weeks... so much so that I've not been sleeping regularly or even felt sociable in any sense.
What has been troubling me? Where is my life lacking in substance? What would've happened if *insert random past event here*? More importantly, why do I feel alone? Admittedly, I've got a lot of people who I'm social with, be it through music, theater, work or other... yet even when surrounded by super positive people & incredibly negative people, I feel out of place.
My first line of thought was "Maybe I should try to do more to fit in." This thought lingered in my brain for about four seconds before I almost slapped myself... that was an old way of thinking from my youth and my early 20's, a time when I was alternating between confused, depressed & heavily intoxicated on a regular basis. I am not going to alter who I am and what I choose to believe in for anyone other than myself, because ultimately I am the one I have to answer to for my choices. I'm a hard-working single man with no familial ties & fairly unlimited freedom to pursue whatever interests I choose... what's not to love about my life? I know I don't fit the mold of any group out there, and what others may assume is my awkwardness, I simply call it my style.
So, after smacking that negative thought out of my head, I started wondering about the people I am frequently with. This is a touchy subject with me, because I don't want to seem disloyal to those who have stuck by me for years upon years... or distrustful to the new acquaintances I have managed to gather since pursuing my dramatic interests. In fact, just because I haven't been with them long enough to be considered more than a new face to work with, I'll leave them out of this. My old friends, however, I can't ignore. I also can't ignore the fact that, aside from a handful of folks who know this does not apply to them, I don't really enjoy my friends anymore. They're all great people, like me they have their positives & negatives, but I think I've become someone different than who I used to be. Not better, not worse... just different. I have certain beliefs, ideals, & goals for myself; none of these are compatible with the old gang. It's to the point where, when I'm in their company, I feel more lonely than when I'm alone... which, now that I think of it, I never really feel all that lonely when I'm alone to begin with. In any case, yes, this is a trouble spot in my attempt to maintain balance, but it's one I'm aware of & am trying to take care of. However, this is an issue I deal with constantly, and since the troubled night of non-sleep are something more recent, another problem must be the culprit.
So I reached out to one of my friends... in all honesty, I think the best friend I ever had & someone whom I may have taken for granted in the past (which is a story for another time), and she gave me her opinion of the situation. She also pointed out a few things to me that I had not considered on the spiritual end of the spectrum. Being a Pagan and having a fairly strong connection to the forces of nature, I might be more in tune with the position of the moon and such. This seemed to be a plausible theory as to some of my issues, but something was still missing...
... then I was watching a show where someone had mentioned dreading her child becoming a "tween". For some reason, that word resonated strongly with me. I decided to look up the definition, and it just instantly came to me: That's me!! I'm a tween!!
LOL... no, I'm not 12 going on 13... and perhaps the literal definition of the word is not quite appropriate. But my interpretation of the word is that it's meant to describe someone who is not quite of one world, yet hasn't quite entered another. And with the application of this logic, I see where it fits my life. See, if there's a blueprint for what the "normal" progression of an individual's growth and lifestyle should be, no one ever bothered to send me a copy. Mine is about as far from the norm as it can be. I didn't do college right out of high school, instead I worked to try to keep busy & help my folks out with money... we always seemed to be broke. Then in my early 20's I got a career job with the railroad (an industry in which I have flourished), moved out on my own & proceeded to make every possible bad decision I could to inflice both physical and mental damage upon myself. I lost my willpower, I lost my soul and on more than one occasion, I nearly lost my life. Those were the dark days. Soon after I straightened myself out a lot, I found a wonderful girlfriend who later became my wife... for two and 1/2 years of confusion & misery. Like almost everything, there were good times as well... but if you ask the two of us now (thankfully we've become friends again), we'd both say we were pretty stupid. However, the best thing to come out of this marriage was my feeling of clarity; I finally realized who I am as a human being and what I wanted from my life... and I haven't stepped backwards since then. I'm in theatrical productions now, I have my choirs to keep me busy, an awesome job, and I'm free to pretty much go on any adventure that I choose... and I usually do. To me, the future is wide open, with a multitude of paths to walk down.
That's why I consider myself a "tween". See, most of the people who I grew up with, or went to school with, or even work with... they have already lived their adventures and are settled down with a life that totally suits them. They have their families, their house, their career, and their routine... and it works for them. At this point in my life, it wouldn't work for me. So I don't quite blend with that crowd. And so I find myself living the life considered to be reserved for the younger 20-year-olds just starting on their journeys... and yet not quite fitting in with that crowd as well. It's one of those "I'm too old to be young, I'm too young to be old" conundrums. But the point is, as soon as I looked at my situation in those terms, I began to realize that I'm not really out of place, I'm actually in place... it's just that the place I'm in is rather unique. Not many dwell here, and so at times it can seem empty. But it's really not, because at various timed I become the best of both worlds! I can still have fun and enjoy the things that I did when I was younger with my friends who are a bit newer to the world, yet I can still maintain a mature relationship with those of my friends who look upon those things as trivial and best left in the past... no judgment on them, even if some occasionally comes my way.
Wow... I kind of feel as though I just got struck with a bullet coated with clarity. Quite the load off, actually. I'm not sure that if any of you do read this, it'll make sense. However, as I've said in the past, these blogs are meant for me. They're my way of looking back at things I've done or thought of & reflecting upon them... and I have a feeling 20 years from now I'll look at this & remember where I was when I typed this.
Alright, I'm out.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thoughts from the Barricade
You ever get the feeling that you have tons of things to
say, yet when the moment comes you have no idea what to say?
Welcome to my life.
At this exact moment in time, I’m sitting in an office,
taking a break from a job I fought hard to get for almost 10 years. Mind you, I love what I do; I don’t even know
what else I’d rather be doing than working this job. As one of those rare types who actually shows
up to work happy to be there, I can tell you… life is pretty awesome.
But… (isn’t there always a “but”?)
But…
I’ve discovered something about myself. I’ve always said that I’m not the type to
look back and second-guess the decisions I’ve made in my life. Nor am I prone to regret the missteps I’ve
taken, because as a person I’ve found it’s with these missteps that I learn
where the ground of my life is solid… and where it’s not. I don’t live for yesterday, I don’t worry
about what could’ve been… and I don’t dwell over the decisions I’ve made that
turned out to be not-so-spectacular. The
eyes are always ahead, always on the future.
But…
Recently something in me has changed. My course has hit some unexpected curves, and
frankly, I’ve been unprepared for the affect it’s had on me. Let me be clear, these are not any negative
happenings. Nothing is going wrong. Quite the opposite, everything is going
spectacularly. I’ve got my life exactly
where I want it, and I can honestly say that none of it was handed to me, or
gift-wrapped for me. I’ve had help, of
course, and the people in my life who’ve helped me know how much I appreciate
it.
To put it out there… I’ve begun to wonder if I’m where I’m
supposed to be.
This new experience… being on stage in a musical, surrounded
by people who are just incredible… was this where I was supposed to be all
along? Years ago I made a decision to
veer away from doing any kind of performing on a professional level, because in
my mind the thought of taking something I’m passionate about & turning it
into work was a recipe for disaster. How
can you truly enjoy something that completely dictates your life to the degree
a career does? Besides, I’m not that
good… who would pump out their hard-earned money to come see me perform, or
listen to me sing, or tune in to me on the radio (another dream of mine that
will be achieved, by the way)? I’ve
always maintained that I have a great group of friends, people who are loyal to
me, who would have my back if I ever needed them without question… and who
understand so little about me, it’s like I’m a stranger in my own life. Indeed, I think I have the same kind of vibe
with the folks I work with… I get along with 99% of them, and they’re
definitely awesome to be around… but I sometimes think that I’m viewed as a bit
of a curiosity, perhaps as someone who is not exactly normal (whatever that
is). If that’s the case, it’s fine… I
know I’m a little eccentric, my interests aren’t those of most people’s chosen
radar screen. I’m a Trekkie… who’s into
choral singing & musicals… who enjoys pro wrestling… and laughs at weird
things… and is outgoing with mostly everyone in my circles… while jealously
guarding my privacy. I’m quirky. Whatever, it’s who I am, and I’m usually so
amused with myself that I don’t focus on the thoughts of others. But I do pay attention. Then again, I’ve a horrible radar sometimes
when it comes to reading people, so this may be just how I view myself. I’m unsure… and muddled…
… where was I?
Oh yeah, back to life… I don’t want to be known as someone
who focuses on things I have no control over… and the past would certainly fall
into that category. However, the future
is completely in my hands… and for the first time in perhaps my whole life, I’m
facing choices while being fully equipped to handle the consequences. Maybe that’s what’s got me so befuddled; I’m
not afraid of making the wrong choice, because I know I’ll be successful on
whatever path I walk. It’s that I don’t
have the fear of failure hanging over my head.
It’s a new experience… I’m not used to this at all.
Then why, you may ask, am I complaining?
Well, I’m not. I have
absolutely nothing to complain about. I’m
really just trying to put into printed word the thoughts that I’m usually
unable to verbalize. In that respect,
this entire blog is probably one gigantic, disturbing unorganized mess… I’ve
literally done away with any type of structure and just thrown my thoughts into
cyberspace, hoping that one day I can look back at them with a feeling of
amusement.
It’s a slow night at the office. My brain, however, is outrunning the hours.
8 more days to Les Miserables. And, like Jean Valjean says, Who am I?
When I have that answer, I’ll try to put it into a
song. It worked for Cameron Macintosh.
… look him up if you don’t know who he is.
-MC
10-24-13
Monday, June 10, 2013
The Record... and making it as straight as possible...
Has it really been six months since I've done this?
Yep, says the calendar on my last blog post. Apparently, I had a lot to say on 12/12/12... nevermind the uniqueness of that date alone, it was just an all-around interesting period of my life.
Which brings me to here...
Some who are reading this are undoubtedly people who I communicate with regularly on Facebook, through various postings, messages, etc. Yet, for the past two weeks, with a rare exception here and there, I have blocked all attempts at communication. I have not responded to much of anything on there, and have essentially just visited. I have left a few random quotes on my page, just as a reminder that I am alive. Also, it was my hope that people could interpret them in a certain way.
This hope has gone unfulfilled. Such is life, I suppose. In any case, I would like to lay a few ground rules.... no, ground rules is not the right term. I prefer "guidelines"... yes, that'll do quite nicely. These are a few guidelines on Facebook etiquette when it comes to me:
1. Just because I'm online, that doesn't mean I want to be bombarded with chat requests. I usually just jump on there to do a quick scan of what's going on, and then I like to go on my merry way. Trust me, when I want to chat, I'll find you. Otherwise, I have no time for such things.
2. If I ignore your chat requests, there are a couple or likely scenarios:
a)See Above
b)My cell phone is showing me currently active on Facebook, even though I'm not. I do realize this is an error on my end, therefore I've taken steps to correct it.
c)The obvious results of the above statements should lead you to the conclusion that, in all likelihood, you are not being ignored. I'm simply unaware of your attempts at contact.
3. While all of this may lead people to think I'm antisocial, I don't consider this to be the case at all. In fact, there are times when I totally love to ham it up online & bombard the world with the things I consider to be of interest. However, I am also borderline fanatic when it comes to needing my distance at times, and this is where I feel the problem lies. It could quite possibly be an issue of me not effectively conveying my need for solitute, and if so then I will take responsibility for this. Trust me, I do like all of you that I talk to, it's just that my need for space at times is overwhelming. I hope this is understood.
Speaking of understanding...
I posted a random comment on Facebook about a month ago about having little to nothing in common with my closest friends. On the outside, this statement looks like a recipe for disaster & confusion, yet I defended this conclusion with the statement that no matter what differences we have, my friends have my back, and I have theirs. This is still true. However, as what tends to happen during my long drive to work, I got to thinking deeply on the subject. Thinking, analyzing, dissecting, and trying to find a conclusion. Finally, I was left with an idea; one which I'm surprised to say I never touched upon before.
Maybe, I thought, I should try to explain myself.
See, I was always against this, because I thought that trying to paint a clear picture of who I am is not something I should have to do. I figured that if someone was interested in getting to understand what makes me think the way that I think, it was their duty to come to me & ask me. I don't need to provide a road map through my psyche, was my belief.
It still is. However, I've discovered that by doing exactly that, it helps me. It makes me see, in plain words in front of my eyes, just who I am. Plus, it does give some of the people closest to me a little idea of where it is I'm coming from. No confusion, no misunderstanding (is that redundant?), just plain, simple truth.
I am not married, and I have no children. I tried this, it was not successful... for a variety of reasons. To be blunt, neither I nor my ex-wife were ready for it. It took some growing up on both our parts to realize this, and although I live my life with no room for regrets, the truth is I think I could've done without all the hurt feelings, on both ends. However, I've moved on, and to be even more honest, it takes a really spectacular person to come along & catch my attention enough to want to start any type of relationship. All this talk people give me about not getting any younger, it really has no impact on me. When I want something, I go out & get it. This includes a relationship. I don't mean to sound callous, but it's the truth. As far as kids go, well... I suppose in the future I'd like to have some type of family. But again, this is all dependent upon meeting someone who can kindle my interest in such a thing. The situation has to be right, I refuse to settle for anything less.
I haven't been a practicing Christian for years now, and instead find my faith in Pagan beliefs. Of all the unique things about me, this may be the single hardest idea for people to reconcile. Why this is so, especially in this politically-charged day and age, I have no idea. But it's true, I was born & raised a Catholic. I began to find, as I got older, that when I was going to church, I would look around and see people who were completely solemn, somber, and disinterested. In my opinion, these were folks that were there out of obligation, or fear, or some other reason other than wanting to celebrate their faith. I simply couldn't take it. Life's too short not to celebrate every moment you're here, and if there is indeed a supreme being, I can't imagine that their idea for us is to plod around a building every Sunday looking miserable & being afraid not to be there.
I sought out a new place to put my faith, and after several pit stops in other Christian-based places, it was my ex-wife of all people who opened my eyes to the Pagan lifestyle. Now, I know most of you reading this will probably never look deeply into Paganism as a faith, and in fact your first reaction to the mention of it borders on disgust. However, I implore you to have an open mind, and just accept that it is simply a faith based on peace, love, and connecting with the world around us. No single doctrine, no rulebook, no judgment. I don't want to come off like a salesman here, so I'll simply say that it's a faith that accepts all of us, and doesn't demand anything of us other than that which we already should know. Love one another, do no harm, take care of our world & all creatures who dwell upon it. Most of all, accept everyone. Do not judge others on their beliefs, respect their rights to believe however they will & embrace that right.A simple philosophy with no catches. Personally, I never found that on Sundays.
I refuse to call myslef a Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, or any other label the news media & political pundits would try to use to classify me as a voter. For a long time, I considered myself a solid Democrat. I believed that this was the party of the people, a group of politicians & lawmakers who had "the little guy" in mind, as opposed to the evil Republicans who were all for big business, the wealthy & keeping anyone who wasn't white, straight, & Christian from becoming anything in this country. I have since come to realize that the truth has been obscured. Both parties have become the problem. I have such a hard time finding a politician I can trust, because nowadays it seems by their very definitions, politicians are liars. I don't believe any one of these elected officials on either side of the aisle really cares much about my problems, unless by helping me solve it they can have my vote. I truly hate politics & politicians.
However, that's a rant for another blog... a much longer one than this (if that's possible...)
I have no prejudice against any classification of human being. This one is really quite simple. When I look at someone, I don't see a white person, or a black person, or a gay person, or an immigrant, or a fat person, or any other type of label a person is saddled with... believe me, being who I am, I've been given plenty of them in my lifetime. No, all I see are people. I'm not naive, I know that there are differences between all of us, but the very idea of someone trying to label another in order to differentiate them from the whole of society is despicable. I'm not talking about jokes, either... those are simply meant to be humorous, and in fact many of them are funny, even to those groups that are meant as the butt of the joke. What really hurts are the labels that the media, or the government, or the school systems in this country seem to place upon us. Perhaps I'm alone in my thinking here, but across the world, in my view people don't want to be seen as this, or that, or anything else that separates them from the rest of the world. They want to be seen as people, pure & simple. It's not the people who turn against each other, it's those in power who pull the strings of the rest of us to keep us apart. I cut my strings a while ago.
Family is not built by blood, family is built by love. I have a somewhat checkered background when it comes to family (who doesn't nowadays?). Some of you know bits & pieces, others know little to nothing. All I'll say is this... for a long time, I rode a very bumpy ocean, in a boat that had no place anywhere but a pond. I lost all room in my heart for hate, but there was something worse than hate that was festering. I came to realize that the only thing a human heart can feel that is worse than hate is nothing at all. That's where I was.
I'm not there anymore. I've made peace with the demons I battled for so long. I'm free.
How can you be happy with your life? Don't you want a normal life like everyone else? If I were condemned to live my life according to the court of public opinion, I would gladly walk to the nearest volcano & do a cannonball. I do not, will not, and will never base my happiness & my ideals on anyone's needs other than my own. I love my life, every second of it, without question. I do what makes me happy, I harm no one & therefore have only myself to answer to. I have a job that I absolutely love, I look forward to going to work every day, and have plenty of outside interests to keep me occupied during my downtime. My music fulfills my creative side, and I know that if there's something I want badly enough, I'll get it. In short, I am supremely confident in my abilities to navigate the waters of this life, and will accept nothing less than success in everything I do.
Sometimes it seems that those around me either don't believe me, or can't understand how I can consider myself successful against those who society feels are the ones who should be emulated. The answer, quite simply, comes back to a statement I made above:
I do not, will not, and will never base my happiness & my ideals on anyone's needs other than my own.
Well, I think it's time to put this one to rest. This is less of a blog and more of a manifesto, anyway. If any of you made it this far, I owe you a cookie & a beer. Or maybe a cookie-flavored beer... I could invent that. In all honesty, I know other people don't have to be reading these things, and for those that do, I'm glad you take some kind of interest in what I have to say. At its best, these blogs are a way to share my myriad of thoughts with the rest of the world. At its worst, it's a facinating reference for me to look back & see what I was feeling at a particular point in time.
Until the next time...
***END TRANSMISSION***
Yep, says the calendar on my last blog post. Apparently, I had a lot to say on 12/12/12... nevermind the uniqueness of that date alone, it was just an all-around interesting period of my life.
Which brings me to here...
Some who are reading this are undoubtedly people who I communicate with regularly on Facebook, through various postings, messages, etc. Yet, for the past two weeks, with a rare exception here and there, I have blocked all attempts at communication. I have not responded to much of anything on there, and have essentially just visited. I have left a few random quotes on my page, just as a reminder that I am alive. Also, it was my hope that people could interpret them in a certain way.
This hope has gone unfulfilled. Such is life, I suppose. In any case, I would like to lay a few ground rules.... no, ground rules is not the right term. I prefer "guidelines"... yes, that'll do quite nicely. These are a few guidelines on Facebook etiquette when it comes to me:
1. Just because I'm online, that doesn't mean I want to be bombarded with chat requests. I usually just jump on there to do a quick scan of what's going on, and then I like to go on my merry way. Trust me, when I want to chat, I'll find you. Otherwise, I have no time for such things.
2. If I ignore your chat requests, there are a couple or likely scenarios:
a)See Above
b)My cell phone is showing me currently active on Facebook, even though I'm not. I do realize this is an error on my end, therefore I've taken steps to correct it.
c)The obvious results of the above statements should lead you to the conclusion that, in all likelihood, you are not being ignored. I'm simply unaware of your attempts at contact.
3. While all of this may lead people to think I'm antisocial, I don't consider this to be the case at all. In fact, there are times when I totally love to ham it up online & bombard the world with the things I consider to be of interest. However, I am also borderline fanatic when it comes to needing my distance at times, and this is where I feel the problem lies. It could quite possibly be an issue of me not effectively conveying my need for solitute, and if so then I will take responsibility for this. Trust me, I do like all of you that I talk to, it's just that my need for space at times is overwhelming. I hope this is understood.
Speaking of understanding...
I posted a random comment on Facebook about a month ago about having little to nothing in common with my closest friends. On the outside, this statement looks like a recipe for disaster & confusion, yet I defended this conclusion with the statement that no matter what differences we have, my friends have my back, and I have theirs. This is still true. However, as what tends to happen during my long drive to work, I got to thinking deeply on the subject. Thinking, analyzing, dissecting, and trying to find a conclusion. Finally, I was left with an idea; one which I'm surprised to say I never touched upon before.
Maybe, I thought, I should try to explain myself.
See, I was always against this, because I thought that trying to paint a clear picture of who I am is not something I should have to do. I figured that if someone was interested in getting to understand what makes me think the way that I think, it was their duty to come to me & ask me. I don't need to provide a road map through my psyche, was my belief.
It still is. However, I've discovered that by doing exactly that, it helps me. It makes me see, in plain words in front of my eyes, just who I am. Plus, it does give some of the people closest to me a little idea of where it is I'm coming from. No confusion, no misunderstanding (is that redundant?), just plain, simple truth.
I am not married, and I have no children. I tried this, it was not successful... for a variety of reasons. To be blunt, neither I nor my ex-wife were ready for it. It took some growing up on both our parts to realize this, and although I live my life with no room for regrets, the truth is I think I could've done without all the hurt feelings, on both ends. However, I've moved on, and to be even more honest, it takes a really spectacular person to come along & catch my attention enough to want to start any type of relationship. All this talk people give me about not getting any younger, it really has no impact on me. When I want something, I go out & get it. This includes a relationship. I don't mean to sound callous, but it's the truth. As far as kids go, well... I suppose in the future I'd like to have some type of family. But again, this is all dependent upon meeting someone who can kindle my interest in such a thing. The situation has to be right, I refuse to settle for anything less.
I haven't been a practicing Christian for years now, and instead find my faith in Pagan beliefs. Of all the unique things about me, this may be the single hardest idea for people to reconcile. Why this is so, especially in this politically-charged day and age, I have no idea. But it's true, I was born & raised a Catholic. I began to find, as I got older, that when I was going to church, I would look around and see people who were completely solemn, somber, and disinterested. In my opinion, these were folks that were there out of obligation, or fear, or some other reason other than wanting to celebrate their faith. I simply couldn't take it. Life's too short not to celebrate every moment you're here, and if there is indeed a supreme being, I can't imagine that their idea for us is to plod around a building every Sunday looking miserable & being afraid not to be there.
I sought out a new place to put my faith, and after several pit stops in other Christian-based places, it was my ex-wife of all people who opened my eyes to the Pagan lifestyle. Now, I know most of you reading this will probably never look deeply into Paganism as a faith, and in fact your first reaction to the mention of it borders on disgust. However, I implore you to have an open mind, and just accept that it is simply a faith based on peace, love, and connecting with the world around us. No single doctrine, no rulebook, no judgment. I don't want to come off like a salesman here, so I'll simply say that it's a faith that accepts all of us, and doesn't demand anything of us other than that which we already should know. Love one another, do no harm, take care of our world & all creatures who dwell upon it. Most of all, accept everyone. Do not judge others on their beliefs, respect their rights to believe however they will & embrace that right.A simple philosophy with no catches. Personally, I never found that on Sundays.
I refuse to call myslef a Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, or any other label the news media & political pundits would try to use to classify me as a voter. For a long time, I considered myself a solid Democrat. I believed that this was the party of the people, a group of politicians & lawmakers who had "the little guy" in mind, as opposed to the evil Republicans who were all for big business, the wealthy & keeping anyone who wasn't white, straight, & Christian from becoming anything in this country. I have since come to realize that the truth has been obscured. Both parties have become the problem. I have such a hard time finding a politician I can trust, because nowadays it seems by their very definitions, politicians are liars. I don't believe any one of these elected officials on either side of the aisle really cares much about my problems, unless by helping me solve it they can have my vote. I truly hate politics & politicians.
However, that's a rant for another blog... a much longer one than this (if that's possible...)
I have no prejudice against any classification of human being. This one is really quite simple. When I look at someone, I don't see a white person, or a black person, or a gay person, or an immigrant, or a fat person, or any other type of label a person is saddled with... believe me, being who I am, I've been given plenty of them in my lifetime. No, all I see are people. I'm not naive, I know that there are differences between all of us, but the very idea of someone trying to label another in order to differentiate them from the whole of society is despicable. I'm not talking about jokes, either... those are simply meant to be humorous, and in fact many of them are funny, even to those groups that are meant as the butt of the joke. What really hurts are the labels that the media, or the government, or the school systems in this country seem to place upon us. Perhaps I'm alone in my thinking here, but across the world, in my view people don't want to be seen as this, or that, or anything else that separates them from the rest of the world. They want to be seen as people, pure & simple. It's not the people who turn against each other, it's those in power who pull the strings of the rest of us to keep us apart. I cut my strings a while ago.
Family is not built by blood, family is built by love. I have a somewhat checkered background when it comes to family (who doesn't nowadays?). Some of you know bits & pieces, others know little to nothing. All I'll say is this... for a long time, I rode a very bumpy ocean, in a boat that had no place anywhere but a pond. I lost all room in my heart for hate, but there was something worse than hate that was festering. I came to realize that the only thing a human heart can feel that is worse than hate is nothing at all. That's where I was.
I'm not there anymore. I've made peace with the demons I battled for so long. I'm free.
How can you be happy with your life? Don't you want a normal life like everyone else? If I were condemned to live my life according to the court of public opinion, I would gladly walk to the nearest volcano & do a cannonball. I do not, will not, and will never base my happiness & my ideals on anyone's needs other than my own. I love my life, every second of it, without question. I do what makes me happy, I harm no one & therefore have only myself to answer to. I have a job that I absolutely love, I look forward to going to work every day, and have plenty of outside interests to keep me occupied during my downtime. My music fulfills my creative side, and I know that if there's something I want badly enough, I'll get it. In short, I am supremely confident in my abilities to navigate the waters of this life, and will accept nothing less than success in everything I do.
Sometimes it seems that those around me either don't believe me, or can't understand how I can consider myself successful against those who society feels are the ones who should be emulated. The answer, quite simply, comes back to a statement I made above:
I do not, will not, and will never base my happiness & my ideals on anyone's needs other than my own.
Well, I think it's time to put this one to rest. This is less of a blog and more of a manifesto, anyway. If any of you made it this far, I owe you a cookie & a beer. Or maybe a cookie-flavored beer... I could invent that. In all honesty, I know other people don't have to be reading these things, and for those that do, I'm glad you take some kind of interest in what I have to say. At its best, these blogs are a way to share my myriad of thoughts with the rest of the world. At its worst, it's a facinating reference for me to look back & see what I was feeling at a particular point in time.
Until the next time...
***END TRANSMISSION***
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
This was done with no Spell-Check... let's see how that worked...
Back to the blogging, I guess. I really do this far too infrequently… sometimes it’s hard for me to sit down & stay in one place long enough to gather my thoughts. This is really why I think I should invest in a tape recorder, since it has occurred to me that most of my deep thinking is done during my time in the car. The commute to & from work gives me ample time to dissect my life & where it’s heading, and also to review where I’ve been and just how I got there to begin with. Believe me, I’m never short of thought; it’s expression I’m sometimes lacking.
Anyway, with the end of 2012 rapidly approaching, I thought it might be a good time to take stock of what’s happened over the past 12 months. Most of the time I find that my life has the steadiness of your average roller coaster, with the peaks & valleys theme at the forefront of the visual interpretation. This year, however, I’m really at a loss to think of many downhill moments (the notable exceptions being the death of one of my favorite aunts & the Patriots once again getting smacked by the Giants in the Super Bowl). So, for my indulgence more than anyone else’s, let’s review some of the key events of the Cuddy-Verse, circa 2012:
For starters, I went on national television for 20 minutes, spun a wheel, made a few bucks & cracked jokes with Pat Sajak. Somewhere in the next life, my grandmother was smiling the whole time… and I believe she still is.
On the musical front, the choir I’m a part of has really begun to carve out its own identity on the local scene. It seems that we’re always busy preparing for some performance, benefit, party, or night of fun :-)
Employment-wise, there is nowhere I’d rather be. My job is awesome, my co-workers (almost without exception)are awesome, and I truly enjoy coming to work. Some people view such a statement as asinine, but I prefer to look at it as a testament to how lucky a person I truly am. As a bonus, I’ve become accustomed to working among the living again. For ten years prior, the overwhelming majority of contact I had with other humans was over the telephone, as I was always stationed at outlaying points on the railroad. Once I got my promotion, however, I began to work in an office, surrounded by the faces of those I only recognized previously by their voices. I’ll admit to being a bit unnerved at the prospect of working with other people after spending years effectively in isolation, but as time went on the shell seems to have crumbled. As I look back now, I am shocked as to how I lasted that long without the company of others!
I also believe this has had a direct effect on the other facets of my life as well, particularly when it comes to socialization with my musical friends. I think in the past, being alone so much really led me to view myself as a bit of an outcast. I would do the choir thing, and show up at events, yet I always seemed to shy away from any real conversation or socialization. After much thought on the matter (yes, and therapy too, which is something I wish everyone in the world would try), I began to realize that I no longer knew how to be a person. A lot of that came from lack of identity & not knowing who I was as a human being, granted… but the fact remains that, outside of a brief period of a true up-and-down marriage, there was very little depth to my socializations with anyone. I couldn’t relate to others because not only was I out of practice, I couldn’t even relate to myself.
So much of that has changed now. I have an identity, and I’m solid in my beliefs about my life & its direction... and it shows. Sure, I may be a little quirky, and perhaps my views are not always considered to be mainstream (whatever the hell that means, anyway…), but the difference now from the past is, they are indeed my views. There’s no longer an attempt by me to fit the mold of the others around me because I am confident enough in myself to know that my mold suits me just fine. In matters of relationships, I used to try to think of myself as a chameleon, with the intent of blending into the crowd to the point of not even knowing I was there. I cannot believe how misguided that belief was, and still is. How is one supposed to shine if they dim their own light?! Seriously, I’m not looking to stand out in the crowd, but I’m certainly not going to shy away from it. I am who I am, I believe what I believe, and I believe that it took way too long to figure out that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m proud to be unique :-)
One of the more significant events of the year happened very recently. Totally out of the blue, after feuding for nearly two years over hurt feelings & stubbornness, I found the peace I’ve always wanted with my ex-wife. She and I were really great friends… before we went & messed it up by getting married. When I look at it now, I can see so many errors on both of our ends… and so can she. It’s really laughable how things turned out between us, I think… she was the free-spirited young Pagan with the perpetual romantic view of the world; I was the hardened warrior forged by a past of turmoil & responsibility. Our paths intertwined, we learned a lot from each other, and years later, she’s now the Bible-thumping parent & wife in her mid-20’s trying to run a household with two children, taking on a lot of responsibility. I, on the other hand, have become the totally laid-back fun-loving Pagan with the travel-lust of Indiana Jones & a seemingly endless well of optimism, running around like I’m in my mid 20’s & trying to find the next big event so I can take the night off! In the end, after all the negativity washed away, we both realized that we each took the best from each other & added it to our own little mixture, thus bringing us one step closer to a completed portrait.
On the home front, my niece makes me smile more than any other person in my life right now. She’s smart, she’s adorable, and I really enjoy being the goofy uncle with her. I never understood why I’ve always felt comfortable around kids… my friend’s daughters, my roommate’s nephew, my ex-stepdaughter, they all seem to connect with me. I wonder if it’s because I really have no problem with being a kid around them. In fact, I have no problem with being a kid at all. Shit, I’ll go home after a lousy day and watch The Muppets to cheer me up! Some people think it’s weird, I’m sure… but they’re not me, so in the end it really doesn’t matter what they choose to think. I am who I am, and I don’t bother trying to change people’s opinions… in the Land of Cud, the one called Matt is king…
… it’s occurred to me that I totally lost track of this blog. I just started to spout a lot of thought-matter that bubbled up as my fingers were pressing the keys, so a lot of what I’ve written might not be in the proper structural order for this to be considered any type of meaningful blog. Then again, who is to decide that meaningful is, anyway? As always, these are simply written collections of my innermost thoughts & opinions, geared toward being for my own personal review, and generously shared with others so that they may understand a little bit more if they so choose. In all honesty, I think if you know me, it’s worth the effort to check it out… but if you don’t, that’s fine as well. I only request that, should you decide I’m too weird of a person to keep in the “friend” column, you would make such a choice after knowing me, rather than simply dismissing the liberal Earth-loving hippie Trekkie choir geek who loves Josie & The Pussycats.
… don’t roll your eyes at me, that movie had some funny moments :-)
Blessed be, my brothers & sisters…
-MC-
Anyway, with the end of 2012 rapidly approaching, I thought it might be a good time to take stock of what’s happened over the past 12 months. Most of the time I find that my life has the steadiness of your average roller coaster, with the peaks & valleys theme at the forefront of the visual interpretation. This year, however, I’m really at a loss to think of many downhill moments (the notable exceptions being the death of one of my favorite aunts & the Patriots once again getting smacked by the Giants in the Super Bowl). So, for my indulgence more than anyone else’s, let’s review some of the key events of the Cuddy-Verse, circa 2012:
For starters, I went on national television for 20 minutes, spun a wheel, made a few bucks & cracked jokes with Pat Sajak. Somewhere in the next life, my grandmother was smiling the whole time… and I believe she still is.
On the musical front, the choir I’m a part of has really begun to carve out its own identity on the local scene. It seems that we’re always busy preparing for some performance, benefit, party, or night of fun :-)
Employment-wise, there is nowhere I’d rather be. My job is awesome, my co-workers (almost without exception)are awesome, and I truly enjoy coming to work. Some people view such a statement as asinine, but I prefer to look at it as a testament to how lucky a person I truly am. As a bonus, I’ve become accustomed to working among the living again. For ten years prior, the overwhelming majority of contact I had with other humans was over the telephone, as I was always stationed at outlaying points on the railroad. Once I got my promotion, however, I began to work in an office, surrounded by the faces of those I only recognized previously by their voices. I’ll admit to being a bit unnerved at the prospect of working with other people after spending years effectively in isolation, but as time went on the shell seems to have crumbled. As I look back now, I am shocked as to how I lasted that long without the company of others!
I also believe this has had a direct effect on the other facets of my life as well, particularly when it comes to socialization with my musical friends. I think in the past, being alone so much really led me to view myself as a bit of an outcast. I would do the choir thing, and show up at events, yet I always seemed to shy away from any real conversation or socialization. After much thought on the matter (yes, and therapy too, which is something I wish everyone in the world would try), I began to realize that I no longer knew how to be a person. A lot of that came from lack of identity & not knowing who I was as a human being, granted… but the fact remains that, outside of a brief period of a true up-and-down marriage, there was very little depth to my socializations with anyone. I couldn’t relate to others because not only was I out of practice, I couldn’t even relate to myself.
So much of that has changed now. I have an identity, and I’m solid in my beliefs about my life & its direction... and it shows. Sure, I may be a little quirky, and perhaps my views are not always considered to be mainstream (whatever the hell that means, anyway…), but the difference now from the past is, they are indeed my views. There’s no longer an attempt by me to fit the mold of the others around me because I am confident enough in myself to know that my mold suits me just fine. In matters of relationships, I used to try to think of myself as a chameleon, with the intent of blending into the crowd to the point of not even knowing I was there. I cannot believe how misguided that belief was, and still is. How is one supposed to shine if they dim their own light?! Seriously, I’m not looking to stand out in the crowd, but I’m certainly not going to shy away from it. I am who I am, I believe what I believe, and I believe that it took way too long to figure out that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m proud to be unique :-)
One of the more significant events of the year happened very recently. Totally out of the blue, after feuding for nearly two years over hurt feelings & stubbornness, I found the peace I’ve always wanted with my ex-wife. She and I were really great friends… before we went & messed it up by getting married. When I look at it now, I can see so many errors on both of our ends… and so can she. It’s really laughable how things turned out between us, I think… she was the free-spirited young Pagan with the perpetual romantic view of the world; I was the hardened warrior forged by a past of turmoil & responsibility. Our paths intertwined, we learned a lot from each other, and years later, she’s now the Bible-thumping parent & wife in her mid-20’s trying to run a household with two children, taking on a lot of responsibility. I, on the other hand, have become the totally laid-back fun-loving Pagan with the travel-lust of Indiana Jones & a seemingly endless well of optimism, running around like I’m in my mid 20’s & trying to find the next big event so I can take the night off! In the end, after all the negativity washed away, we both realized that we each took the best from each other & added it to our own little mixture, thus bringing us one step closer to a completed portrait.
On the home front, my niece makes me smile more than any other person in my life right now. She’s smart, she’s adorable, and I really enjoy being the goofy uncle with her. I never understood why I’ve always felt comfortable around kids… my friend’s daughters, my roommate’s nephew, my ex-stepdaughter, they all seem to connect with me. I wonder if it’s because I really have no problem with being a kid around them. In fact, I have no problem with being a kid at all. Shit, I’ll go home after a lousy day and watch The Muppets to cheer me up! Some people think it’s weird, I’m sure… but they’re not me, so in the end it really doesn’t matter what they choose to think. I am who I am, and I don’t bother trying to change people’s opinions… in the Land of Cud, the one called Matt is king…
… it’s occurred to me that I totally lost track of this blog. I just started to spout a lot of thought-matter that bubbled up as my fingers were pressing the keys, so a lot of what I’ve written might not be in the proper structural order for this to be considered any type of meaningful blog. Then again, who is to decide that meaningful is, anyway? As always, these are simply written collections of my innermost thoughts & opinions, geared toward being for my own personal review, and generously shared with others so that they may understand a little bit more if they so choose. In all honesty, I think if you know me, it’s worth the effort to check it out… but if you don’t, that’s fine as well. I only request that, should you decide I’m too weird of a person to keep in the “friend” column, you would make such a choice after knowing me, rather than simply dismissing the liberal Earth-loving hippie Trekkie choir geek who loves Josie & The Pussycats.
… don’t roll your eyes at me, that movie had some funny moments :-)
Blessed be, my brothers & sisters…
-MC-
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Uncrossing the Wires
"A man can always agree with others; it is more difficult to agree with oneself." - Old Chinese Guy in one of the Gremlins movies
"I have as much authority as The Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." - George Carlin
One piece of advice I try to share with everyone: Never let anyone tell you who you are.
Sounds simple, right? Almost like something that should've been ingrained into your mind from the cradle? Well, you'd be absolutely amazed at how many people can't seem to grasp such a concept. That simple eight-word sentence written above has the power to determine the outcome of some of the biggest decisions you'll face throughout your lifetime, and so I choose to respect the power of those words and hold onto that ideal. Believe me, the alternative can lead to great disappointment.
I know because, for a long time, I didn't know who I was. I let others tell me, and it brought a lot of negativity into my life. Hell, I even got myself into a marriage that was doomed from the start; I was just too naive to see it at the time.
In any case, that was the past. And while I don't ever dismiss it, I don't dwell on it, either. I prefer to focus on the here & now, while still keeping an eye on the future.
So anyway...
It's amazing to me that I could've lived as long & as fast as I have these past 32 years and still be capable of finding so much amazement in the familiars of life. A perfect example of this is the weather lately. I've often said that Mother Nature is bipolar; she's sticking us with snowstorms and shitty wintery weather, and then the next day the temperatures hit 60 degrees and make me want to go fishing. Living in New England for my entire life, I am quite used to these strange patterns, yet I still feel a total sense of amazement, even child-like curiosity at how such things can be. In fact, if I take a step back from everything I've learned in my life, I find that such simple concepts like the workings of a television, the operating principles of a commuter train, even the idea of the creation of popcorn... these things all provide a sense of amazement and even impress me at some level.
The fact is, I feel truly blessed to be able to find joy & pleasure in simplicity. It makes every day a great adventure, and the ability to rediscover the joys of knowledgeable impression is a gift I cherish.
On the other hand...
My disposition can really be either a blessing or a curse, depending upon the situation. I tend to label it a 70/30 split in favor of the blessing idea, but the curse creeps in every now & then. See, I'm different; at least, different from most of the people I hang with. My ideals, religion, political beliefs... they all run counter to what a lot of my friends subscribe to. Personally, I love that about my friends; variety is the spice of life, and I think it makes for some fascinating conversation. Although I don't agree with most of what they say, I see the passion & belief they put behind their views, and I can't help but respect that... even if I happen to think some of it is misguided. I certainly don't think less of them for what they believe in.
However, I often get the sense that this kind of respect is not reciprocated. Disagreements are bound to happen among people with different beliefs; labels & judgments, on the other hand, are very unnecessary. It happens so frequently that I feel numb to them now, but I see the anger it brings out in others, and as much as I know I'm not the cause of it, it still bothers me. What is it that makes a person see any viewpoint other than their own as a direct insult? Despite all the evidence in the world to the contrary, do others still only see in the world in black and white? How can someone live a whole lifetime like this & truly find inner peace? These are attitudes that I've dealt with my whole life, and should not be a surprise to me. Why, then, do they still leave me with a sense of wonderment & curiosity?
Perhaps the real trick of this game is finding the balance between the two sides of the equation. These questions that only we can answer are what keeps the mind and the soul energized enough to keep feeding us on our quest for fulfillment.
Speaking of balance...
Right now, the biggest question on my mind is what to do about my living situation. I live in the most beautiful spot I have ever lived in during my brief occupancy on our world, right on a peaceful lake on a private street surrounded by the most serene gifts that Mother Nature can provide, inside a house that can be generously described as a neglected shithole. My landlord seems to have built this place out of Silly Putty & Lincoln Logs (am I dating myself with that reference?), and trying to get him to do any repairs is like waiting for a lemon tree to grow in the North Pole... it's useless. To be fair to the landlord, he's kind of disabled. Not to the point where he can't do repairs, but he's beat up so badly that something as simple as changing a cabinet door requires the use of two Vicodin and a day's rest. I feel for the guy, but the place seems to be deteriorating beyond his ability to keep up with it. This, coupled with my roommate's absolute desire not to stay beyond the lease, leaves me with this question:
Do I stay in this spot, where I have never been more at peace with my environment and the world around me, yet has the potential to dent my finances by having to handle all of the bills by myself, to live in a house that is not the nicest or most modern? Or, do I sacrifice serenity & nature for creature comforts and a balanced checkbook, knowing that it is the smarter decision for my financial & professional well-being?
Then again, perhaps there's a third option I have yet to discover. If there is, I'll find it. I almost always do :-)
Okay, enough gut-spilling for one day, I'm going to the flea market to buy other people's stuff. As always, if you're reading this, you must have at least a passing interest into my mind's inner workings. I hope you got what you wanted.
Plant a tree if you get a chance, by the way. We'd all be screwed without them :-)
-MC-
2-19-2012
"I have as much authority as The Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." - George Carlin
One piece of advice I try to share with everyone: Never let anyone tell you who you are.
Sounds simple, right? Almost like something that should've been ingrained into your mind from the cradle? Well, you'd be absolutely amazed at how many people can't seem to grasp such a concept. That simple eight-word sentence written above has the power to determine the outcome of some of the biggest decisions you'll face throughout your lifetime, and so I choose to respect the power of those words and hold onto that ideal. Believe me, the alternative can lead to great disappointment.
I know because, for a long time, I didn't know who I was. I let others tell me, and it brought a lot of negativity into my life. Hell, I even got myself into a marriage that was doomed from the start; I was just too naive to see it at the time.
In any case, that was the past. And while I don't ever dismiss it, I don't dwell on it, either. I prefer to focus on the here & now, while still keeping an eye on the future.
So anyway...
It's amazing to me that I could've lived as long & as fast as I have these past 32 years and still be capable of finding so much amazement in the familiars of life. A perfect example of this is the weather lately. I've often said that Mother Nature is bipolar; she's sticking us with snowstorms and shitty wintery weather, and then the next day the temperatures hit 60 degrees and make me want to go fishing. Living in New England for my entire life, I am quite used to these strange patterns, yet I still feel a total sense of amazement, even child-like curiosity at how such things can be. In fact, if I take a step back from everything I've learned in my life, I find that such simple concepts like the workings of a television, the operating principles of a commuter train, even the idea of the creation of popcorn... these things all provide a sense of amazement and even impress me at some level.
The fact is, I feel truly blessed to be able to find joy & pleasure in simplicity. It makes every day a great adventure, and the ability to rediscover the joys of knowledgeable impression is a gift I cherish.
On the other hand...
My disposition can really be either a blessing or a curse, depending upon the situation. I tend to label it a 70/30 split in favor of the blessing idea, but the curse creeps in every now & then. See, I'm different; at least, different from most of the people I hang with. My ideals, religion, political beliefs... they all run counter to what a lot of my friends subscribe to. Personally, I love that about my friends; variety is the spice of life, and I think it makes for some fascinating conversation. Although I don't agree with most of what they say, I see the passion & belief they put behind their views, and I can't help but respect that... even if I happen to think some of it is misguided. I certainly don't think less of them for what they believe in.
However, I often get the sense that this kind of respect is not reciprocated. Disagreements are bound to happen among people with different beliefs; labels & judgments, on the other hand, are very unnecessary. It happens so frequently that I feel numb to them now, but I see the anger it brings out in others, and as much as I know I'm not the cause of it, it still bothers me. What is it that makes a person see any viewpoint other than their own as a direct insult? Despite all the evidence in the world to the contrary, do others still only see in the world in black and white? How can someone live a whole lifetime like this & truly find inner peace? These are attitudes that I've dealt with my whole life, and should not be a surprise to me. Why, then, do they still leave me with a sense of wonderment & curiosity?
Perhaps the real trick of this game is finding the balance between the two sides of the equation. These questions that only we can answer are what keeps the mind and the soul energized enough to keep feeding us on our quest for fulfillment.
Speaking of balance...
Right now, the biggest question on my mind is what to do about my living situation. I live in the most beautiful spot I have ever lived in during my brief occupancy on our world, right on a peaceful lake on a private street surrounded by the most serene gifts that Mother Nature can provide, inside a house that can be generously described as a neglected shithole. My landlord seems to have built this place out of Silly Putty & Lincoln Logs (am I dating myself with that reference?), and trying to get him to do any repairs is like waiting for a lemon tree to grow in the North Pole... it's useless. To be fair to the landlord, he's kind of disabled. Not to the point where he can't do repairs, but he's beat up so badly that something as simple as changing a cabinet door requires the use of two Vicodin and a day's rest. I feel for the guy, but the place seems to be deteriorating beyond his ability to keep up with it. This, coupled with my roommate's absolute desire not to stay beyond the lease, leaves me with this question:
Do I stay in this spot, where I have never been more at peace with my environment and the world around me, yet has the potential to dent my finances by having to handle all of the bills by myself, to live in a house that is not the nicest or most modern? Or, do I sacrifice serenity & nature for creature comforts and a balanced checkbook, knowing that it is the smarter decision for my financial & professional well-being?
Then again, perhaps there's a third option I have yet to discover. If there is, I'll find it. I almost always do :-)
Okay, enough gut-spilling for one day, I'm going to the flea market to buy other people's stuff. As always, if you're reading this, you must have at least a passing interest into my mind's inner workings. I hope you got what you wanted.
Plant a tree if you get a chance, by the way. We'd all be screwed without them :-)
-MC-
2-19-2012
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A Long Time Coming...
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; We are spiritual beings having a human experience." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
"The Dude Abides." - Jeff Lebowski
Before we begin, I would like to point out that although the sidebar of this site indicates that this is my first blog, I have, in fact, posted here before. However, upon reading what I posted, I realized that the world in general, and myself in particular, would benefit from those blogs never being seen by other people's eyes. They were written by an angry, bitter, miserable soul... and I am proud to say he has been laid to rest. From his ashes comes the person you see before you: a happier, well-adjusted quirky individual who over the past five years has walked through the flames and lived to tell about it. Sure, I may have the scars, but I don't bother hiding them; instead, I use them as reminders of what I've been through and how lucky I am to be standing here today. They remind me that the lessons of my past are the foundation upon which I construct my future, and that provides me the balance I need to move forward on my journey...
Okay, enough preaching, onto other business...
The following thoughts were first developed a month ago, but for reasons that will become more apparent as you read along, I'm choosing now to expand upon them.
About four weeks ago, someone had asked me a simple question:
"Aren't you proud to be an American?"
The normal autonomic response to this question should be "Yes", "Of Course", Absolutely", or any other answer leading to an affirmation. At least, that's what I was raised to believe. It's what the parents, the media, the government, the postman, and the old lady in Apartment 4-B would expect you to say. You live here, you have freedoms that people in other parts of the world could not even fathom, and despite the incredible odds against anyone not born into a seven-figure income family, you do have the opportunity to make yourself a success story in virtually whatever walk of life you follow.
This, however, does not make me proud.
Why not, you ask? Well, quite simply, I can't take pride in something I have no control over. I didn't do anything to become an American; I was born into it. Being born into something is not an achievement, it's pure circumstance. I honestly don't understand how someone can be proud of something they had no part in achieving.
The same holds true for race & ethnicity. Whenever I see a "Black Pride" rally, or any other group extolling the virtues of their particular background, I can't help not taking them seriously. I'm of mostly Irish descent, among other European cultures as well, although I most typically think of myself as being Irish by background. As such, I find I have a strong desire to study the culture & traditions of my ancestors, and in fact choose to adorn my home with a variety of Celtic art and decorative items (I even have a Celtic cross & claddagh tattoo on my arm). It makes me happy to be a descendent of such a culturally and spiritually rich people, and I enjoy being able to make reference to this when asked about my background. It's a great thing to be.
But I didn't do anything to be this way. It was a simple matter of heredity that made me Irish. It holds no more significance in my genetic make-up than being right handed or having brown eyes.
These things are not achievements, they are simple chance.
Instead, when I think of things to be proud of, I think of what I've achieved in my life. I'm proud that I've worked hard and finally gotten the opportunities at my job that I've deserved for a while. I'm proud to have shaken the vices of the past that held me back. I'm proud of how I live my life and making the choices I make every day. These are things within the realm of my control, and so I take pride in how I control them. I don't mean to diminish anyone's beliefs, or say that someone is wrong for believing what they believe. I just choose to believe differently.
So, to all who are reading this, I assume it's because you have some interest in what I have to say, and if that's the case I want to make sure you're aware of how I, your crazy musical friend who gets paid to play with trains, views the world around us. I am happy to be an American, I'm happy to be of Irish ancestry, I'm happy I have brown eyes... hell, I'm even happy to be right-handed. I just don't take pride in these things, that's all.
Instead, I'm proud to be Matt. It's an achievement I can hang my hat on.
-MC-
10-9-2011
"The Dude Abides." - Jeff Lebowski
Before we begin, I would like to point out that although the sidebar of this site indicates that this is my first blog, I have, in fact, posted here before. However, upon reading what I posted, I realized that the world in general, and myself in particular, would benefit from those blogs never being seen by other people's eyes. They were written by an angry, bitter, miserable soul... and I am proud to say he has been laid to rest. From his ashes comes the person you see before you: a happier, well-adjusted quirky individual who over the past five years has walked through the flames and lived to tell about it. Sure, I may have the scars, but I don't bother hiding them; instead, I use them as reminders of what I've been through and how lucky I am to be standing here today. They remind me that the lessons of my past are the foundation upon which I construct my future, and that provides me the balance I need to move forward on my journey...
Okay, enough preaching, onto other business...
The following thoughts were first developed a month ago, but for reasons that will become more apparent as you read along, I'm choosing now to expand upon them.
About four weeks ago, someone had asked me a simple question:
"Aren't you proud to be an American?"
The normal autonomic response to this question should be "Yes", "Of Course", Absolutely", or any other answer leading to an affirmation. At least, that's what I was raised to believe. It's what the parents, the media, the government, the postman, and the old lady in Apartment 4-B would expect you to say. You live here, you have freedoms that people in other parts of the world could not even fathom, and despite the incredible odds against anyone not born into a seven-figure income family, you do have the opportunity to make yourself a success story in virtually whatever walk of life you follow.
This, however, does not make me proud.
Why not, you ask? Well, quite simply, I can't take pride in something I have no control over. I didn't do anything to become an American; I was born into it. Being born into something is not an achievement, it's pure circumstance. I honestly don't understand how someone can be proud of something they had no part in achieving.
The same holds true for race & ethnicity. Whenever I see a "Black Pride" rally, or any other group extolling the virtues of their particular background, I can't help not taking them seriously. I'm of mostly Irish descent, among other European cultures as well, although I most typically think of myself as being Irish by background. As such, I find I have a strong desire to study the culture & traditions of my ancestors, and in fact choose to adorn my home with a variety of Celtic art and decorative items (I even have a Celtic cross & claddagh tattoo on my arm). It makes me happy to be a descendent of such a culturally and spiritually rich people, and I enjoy being able to make reference to this when asked about my background. It's a great thing to be.
But I didn't do anything to be this way. It was a simple matter of heredity that made me Irish. It holds no more significance in my genetic make-up than being right handed or having brown eyes.
These things are not achievements, they are simple chance.
Instead, when I think of things to be proud of, I think of what I've achieved in my life. I'm proud that I've worked hard and finally gotten the opportunities at my job that I've deserved for a while. I'm proud to have shaken the vices of the past that held me back. I'm proud of how I live my life and making the choices I make every day. These are things within the realm of my control, and so I take pride in how I control them. I don't mean to diminish anyone's beliefs, or say that someone is wrong for believing what they believe. I just choose to believe differently.
So, to all who are reading this, I assume it's because you have some interest in what I have to say, and if that's the case I want to make sure you're aware of how I, your crazy musical friend who gets paid to play with trains, views the world around us. I am happy to be an American, I'm happy to be of Irish ancestry, I'm happy I have brown eyes... hell, I'm even happy to be right-handed. I just don't take pride in these things, that's all.
Instead, I'm proud to be Matt. It's an achievement I can hang my hat on.
-MC-
10-9-2011
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